- "Get yourself back to the Garden, you Downer bastard!"
- — Bobby at the St. Georges Holm Bridge
Bobby is the town's law, or Joy official.
Bobbies wear the typical English policeman's uniform and they are seen patrolling the roads of Wellington Wells, occasionally killing Downers met in the streets, investigating crime scenes and guarding specific areas in Wellington Wells such as Joy Detectors, the apple tree and bridges. In combat they use the baton as their default weapon, but hardly ever they use fists; unlike Wellies and Wastrels, Bobbies are stronger, taller and more resistant to beat. Bobbies occasionally spawn from police boxes, whenever they have to patrol the streets or there's a conflict (downers, ringing alarms, etc.). It's possible to give alcohol to a Bobby, which will cause the Bobby to drop strong items that the protagonist can pick up without penalty.
There are also many somewhat makeshift Neighborhood Watches made out of Downers or Wastrels patrolling their respective areas. They do not bother the player much unless they committed a crime, are guarding a pump or in a scripted event, harass or kill a new Wastrel couple that went "Wakey-wakey".
When the player successfully beats a Bobby or gives him alcohol, the constable can drop the following items:
Several Bobbies appear in some quests that the player has to resolve in order to continue the main story or to get useful items.
- St. Georges Holm Bridge
- The Apple Tree
- Blood in the Streets
- Cerberus was the First Bobby
- The Moonjuice Leech
- Popper Popped
- Tits Up Downer
- Though "Bobby" is the colloquial term for them in Wellington Wells, they are referred to in letters and missions as Constables.
- The term "bobby" comes from the real life inspiration of Scotland Yard police officers in London, founded by Sir Robert Peel.
- 3 Bobbies found guarding the apple tree will sing and get drunk during the night.
- If the player approaches them, they will turn hostile and attack on sight.
- Bobbie's surnames are taken from several famous English painters between the 17° and the 20° centuries.