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"I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time."
— Uncle Jack's phrase near the end of every episode of his show

Jack Worthing, although mainly known by his stage name Uncle Jack, is a comedian, TV and radio host of the Wellington Wells broadcasting services in We Happy Few.

He is viewed as the "smiling face" of Wellington Wells by the general population.

Buff VelvetTongue Personality[]

Jack's personality, or rather the "face" that he wears on television, is a bright, charismatic, and cheery- albeit slightly menacing, persona. He will spin bad news stories into positive ones with relative ease and address people with light teasing and humor.

He frequently laughs, jokes, and smiles, trying to make people look on the bright side of things. One of his shows reveals that he is a devout Anglican, indicating that he is one of the few residents of Wellington Wells who had been known to practice religion.

However, the side that Jack has been trying to suppress is sullen, grim, and overall depressed. Ever since his latest dosage of Joy (which appears to have been of a "bad batch"), he starts to remember things, talking nostalgically about his daughter, losing himself in thought.

As more memories return, he begins to lose himself to madness, managing to get out the truth before completely snapping and wrecking everything in the studio.

Buff TypicallyBritish History[]

Few remember Jack's past, which is no surprise given the heavy use of Joy that the citizens of Wellington Wells take.

Jack Worthing was the former lead actor of the 'Will Kemp Traveling Players' sometime before World War II, and he also learned the art of close-up magic at some point. He had Margaret Worthing on the 8th of August, 1934.

During the German occupation, Jack was the voice of the German Occupational Authority, and he accompanied Margaret in her leadership of the 1946 Battle of Flowers as Junior Field Commander.

When the Germans demanded to have the kids be sent to Germany, Jack attempted to hide Margaret away, but Ollie Starkey ratted them out to the German Soldiers. Upon finding Margaret, she panicked and ran, and ended up getting shot by the German soldiers. Jack would never find out that it was Ollie who was responsible for her death.

Jack subsequently began taking Joy to forget about the traumatic incident and usually avoids anything that can remind him of her out of grief. After the 'Victory' over the Germans, it is stated that Jack was arrested, but later released to become the smiling face of the Wellington Wells entertainment shows.

After the Occupation, Jack became host to the Wellington Wells Broadcasting Services to cheer up the city's inhabitants, where he is broadcasted everywhere throughout the city. His many shows were created to make Wellies laugh, smile, and reassure them that everything was okay.

Buff PureBliss Events of We Happy Few[]

Jack is an omnipresent figure throughout all of the acts through the radios, television sets, and newspaper articles.

In Arthur's story, the ‘O‘ Courant writes in its final article (among other things) that the recent airings of Jack's show are in fact reruns, which hints that something has gone terribly wrong.

In Act III, when Ollie ventures to the Broadcasting Tower in the Parade District to tell Jack about the truth regarding the imminent famine in Wellington Wells, he discovers that the studio room is wrecked, along with a missing Jack.

He also finds a note telling the employees not to broadcast the same episode more than once per week, revealing the dreadful truth that Jack has disappeared, and all of his recent shows have been nothing but mere reruns, with Joy-induced amnesia preventing people from realizing that. To Ollie's horror, this reveals just how oblivious the people of Wellington Wells are to the reality of the city.

In the studio, Ollie finds the last tape that shows the events right as things went wrong. Not only that, but it also shows Jack desperately telling people about the collapse of the food production, the worsening food shortage, and attempts to get them to stop taking their Joy.

As Jack reads through his alarming report, he starts becoming increasingly stressed, alarmed, and unstable, until he finally suffers a complete mental breakdown, grabs a cricket bat, and goes berserk.

He's seen running around the studio smashing things, while madly repeating his catchphrase "We've come to the end of our time!", before finally approaching the camera, peering into it as he repeats the phrase one last time, and smashes it, abruptly ending the broadcast.

Ollie proceeds to broadcast the tape to all inhabitants of Wellington Wells, determined to tell them the truth about the situation.

Although never confirmed in-game, it's implied that when Jack went mad during the last broadcast, he became the serial killer "Foggy Jack". Supporting evidence for this includes both the last tape, as well as notes that read "I'm afraid you've come to the end of your time" next to a painting of Margaret Worthing. However, Uncle Jack is seen wielding a Cricket Bat instead of the Cleaver, Foggy Jack's signature weapon, and the time of which Jack disappeared and the murders began happening is ambiguous enough that the player can make their own interpretation.

Associated Notes[]

TV Listings[]

  • 7 AM - Wakey Wakey!
  • 12 PM - News Hour
  • 4 PM - I Hear You / Humor Hour / Play With Jack / Funny Old Customs
  • 7:30 PM - Well, well, well / That Tastes Amazing! What is it? / Famous Britons
  • 10:30 PM - Nighty Night

Wakey Wakey Transcripts[]

Wakey 1 - It's another wonderful day in Wellington Wells.[]

And, it's another fabulous day in Wellington Wells! The sun is up and the weather is overcast and only slightly rainy, with occasional streaks of lovely sunshine!
(sings) Good Morning to you. Good Morning to you. Good Morning dear friends. Good Morning to you!

(back to talking) I hope you all had a lovely night's sleep, with lovely dreams. It's shaping up to be a wonderful morning. And I think I can promise you it's just going to get better all through the day. We all forget things from time to time. So don't forget the most important thing. Is it your tea? Is it your muesli? Is it bacon and eggs? Is it toast? Did you forget to butter your toast??? ... Don't be silly! It's your daily Joy! Never forget to take your Joy, and I guarantee your day will go swimmingly.
So, let's look at today's schedule! What's going on in the Village of Hamlyn? Well, chatting and greeting, and smiling and laughing, of course! And breakfast, lunch and dinner. And work work work work work! But at three, I hope you'll all take a quick break for our daily recreation activity! Today we will all gather around the telly for a rousing round of Simon Says. Well, I won't be gathering round the telly. I'll be in the telly! Just like every day, I'll be playing it with you! And then there will be cake. And prizes for all winners. And everyone's a winner! And everyone will be there! So don't miss it, or you're a rotten egg! Ha ha!
But seriously, unless you have an awfully good reason, such as two broken legs, do be a sport at three o'clock, won't you? We love your company.

And now, the hot new song from our favorite band! See you soon!

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Wakey 2 - It's another marvelous day in Wellington Wells.[]

And, it's another fabulous day in Wellington Wells! The weather is a tad wet, but that's the lovely thing about English weather, the sun always comes out in the end. so come on out or you'll miss it! Wakey-wakey, everyone!
(sings) Good Morning to you. Good Morning to you. Good Morning dear friends. Good Morning to you!

(back to talking) I do hope you had a lovely night's sleep, and left all the troubles of the day in dreamland. That is, if you have any troubles! Remember what was bothering you yesterday? I certainly hope not. Today's going to be even better.
We all forget things from time to time. So don't forget the most important thing. Did you leave the stove on? Did you remember to shave? Did you wash your hands? Did you brush your teeth? I hope you did all of these things, but they're not the most important thing. And that is, as we all know: did you take your Joy today? Never forget to take your Joy, and I guarantee your day will go as smooth as velvet.

Soooo... let's look at today's schedule! What's going on in the Village of Hamlyn? Well, selling and buying, of course. And wandering hither and thither, and marketing, and talking about the weather. And smiling and laughing, of course: I insist on it. But at three, I hope you'll all take a quick break for our daily recreation activity! Today we will once again all gather around the telly for a rousing round of Simon Says. Oh, I wish I could join you good people. Actually, I will join you. But I'll be doing it from this chair. I'll be calling the tune, if you will! Just like every day, I'll be you Simon -- except when I'm not!
And don't forget, there will be cake. And prizes for all winners. And everyone's a winner! And everyone will be there! So don't miss it, or the villagers will break your legs. And then where will you be when Simon says "jump like a frog." Well, you'll be writhing on the ground, won't you? Ha ha! But seriously, unless you have an awfully good reason, such as being recently deceased, do be a sport at three o'clock, won't you? We love your company.

And now, the brilliant new song from our favorite new band! See you soon!

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Wakey 3 - It's another beautiful day in Wellington Wells.[]

And, it's another brilliant day in Wellington Wells! The weather is a little rainy, but I think I can assure you it's going to dry up to merely a bit overcast. That's the wonderful thing about English weather: you always know you're going to get a little bit of rain, but it's never going to be too cold or too hot.
Well, it's not time to hibernate, and you're not a bear, so come on out. Or, if you are a bear, then I'm very impressed that you know how to turn on a television set. Wakey-wakey, everyone!
(sings) Good Morning to you. Good Morning to you. Good Morning dear friends. Good Morning to you!

(back to talking) Well, I was up all night fretting. I'm joking! I had a fantastic night's sleep. Actually I can't remember a single thing about last night, and that's how I like it! How about you? If you're taking your Joy, then you shouldn't have any trouble sleeping. And if you missed some -- well, what on Earth are you waiting for? Get back on your dose! And I think I can promise your day will go as sweet as a summer breeeze.
Well, what's going on today in the Village of Hamlyn? Well, the circus is coming to town -- fooled you! No, it's just going to be a regular, wonderful, ordinary, spectacular day. But of course, we'll interrupt the day, because we love to do that, with our Daily Recreational Activity.
Whatever are we going to do for fun today? Well, how about Simon Says! I love Simon Says, don't you? And it's been too long since we've played it, hasn't it? I'm a bit vague about the details, really, so I think we ought to play it today just to be sure. You can never be to careful! So at three, gather in front of the telly for a rousing round of Simon Says. Wait -- I didn't say Simon Says gather. But wait! We're not playing it yet! So you're all right. And don't forget, there will be cake. And prizes for all winners. And everyone's a winner! And everyone will be there! So don't miss it, or you'll stick out like a Downer! And we can't have Downers! Right? Brilliant!

And now, the catchy new song from our favorite new band!

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Wakey 4 - Simon Says at St. Genesius![]

Wakey, Wakey, Everyone! And it's another fabulous day in Wellington Wells! I've looked at the weather report for you and... apparently it's going to be variable. Isn't that a surprise! Well, be sure to bring an umbrella or two as you go out on your daily rounds, and you'll be right as rain. Right as rain – hah hah! I didn't even mean it like that! Well, wakey-wakey, everyone!
(sings) Good Morning to you. Good Morning to you. Good Morning dear friends. Good Morning to you!

(back to talking) Well, if you're in bed, you know what to do. Hop out, yawn, stretch, and get the tea ready. And while the kettle's on, be sure to take your morning Joy, if you haven't already. We wouldn't be British without our tea, and we wouldn't be Wellies without our Joy, would we? And as you're sipping your tea, be sure to smile at just how lucky we are to be in Wellington Wells! Where there are always rainbows after the rain, and the bobbies always smile, and no one ever feels hungry or sad. It's good to smile as early as possible in the morning. That way you know you've had enough Joy!
Well, what's going on in the Village of Hamlyn? Well, hah, this is interesting. At ten o' clock, Mr. Hugh Whiteforth Dalrymple will be giving hopscotch lessons right out in front of Mrs. Chippy Park. Now, if you don't know how to hopscotch, or you need to brush upon the rules, be sure to attend Mr. Dalrymple's lessons.
Oh, and I see here that the Church of St. Genesius is continuing its tradition of Simon Says competitions with celebrity callers! Oh yes. And today the celebrity caller is going to be Dr. Faraday calling the game! Well, that doesn't seem quite right and huh… -- no, I believe I made a mistake, I've confused myself. The celebrity caller will be Margery Flowerdew! And if you win the competition, Mrs. Flowerdew promises to come take a look at your flower garden, if you have one, and if you don't, she'll let you clip a few buds from hers. That certainly seems worth playing for, doesn't it! So come on, get up, get dressed and get out there. Don't let the day slip away, or you'll feel like a Downer. And we can't have Downers! Right? Smashing!

And now, the catchy new song from our favorite new band!

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Wakey 5 - Some friendly advice for tourists![]

Wakey, Wakey Everyone! It's another lovely day in Wellington Wells. Now, in case we have any visitors today, here are a few tips that will help you get along with everyone.

The most important one, of course, is, don't forget to take your Joy! And drink plenty of water, too. Fortunately there's Joy in the water, ha hah! Eat plenty of nutritious food. May I be the first to recommend our local delicacy, V-Meat!
Of course, be very careful to stay away from Downers. Fortunately, most of them live in the Garden District, and no decent person goes there! It's full of dangerous maniacs and lunatics! If someone's dressed in rags, tell them to go back there where they belong!
Obey all official signs! They're for your safety and protection! Make friends with your fellow citizens! Talk to them! Visit them! Wellies love a friendly guest. We Wellies do love our games! It's important to stay young at heart. So use our playgrounds! After all, if you don't, who on Earth will?
Obey police officers. They're there to protect you! Remember, they're the only ones who are allowed out at night!

Wellington Wells is a delightful place. If you just do like everybody and you take your Joy, you'll have a splendid time! And if you don't, well, one less mouth to feed! Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha hah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

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I Hear You! Transcripts[]

Enjoying Simon Says[]

And, now it's time for "I Hear You," the part of our show where Jack Worthing, that's me, answers your letters and questions about our life in Wellington Wells.

And today's first letter is from Charles Hawtrey, of St. James Parade. Dear Uncle Jack, I always get eliminated early in Simon Says. It's so frustrating, because I love Simon Says, and I don't get to play very much of it before I get confused and I'm "out." What can I do? Well, Charles, I am so glad you care about Simon Says. It's one of my favorite games. As you probably know! In fact, sometimes, I wish someone would come and be the announcer, so I could come to Hamlyn and play Simon Says! Say, that's a lovely idea. Why don't you come here and I'll go there? Ah yes, but that doesn't solve your problem, does it. How can you enjoy Simon Says better? Well, I can't promise you a way to be less confused. After all, a bit of confusion is normal when you're taking your Joy, and you don't want to cut down on your Joy, do you? No, of course not, don't be ridiculous. But look, just because you're "out," doesn't mean you can't keep playing. Just go to the sidelines and keep playing. After all, no one is going to arrest you for continuing to wave your arms around when I say way your arms around -- heh heh, I mean, when I say Simon Says wave your arms around. Right? Good, well. I hope that's helpful, Charles! And thank you very much for writing!

And here's another letter, from Mrs. Gillian Overshaw of St. Giles Crescent. Mrs. Overshaw writes, Dear Uncle Jack. I've found the most peculiar thing in my garden. Perhaps you can help me identify it. It has the general shape of a garden gnome. That is, it is short and squat, and has a rounded, pointy top, just like a gnome's pointy hat. But it's smooth, and metal, and nothing is painted on it. What is it? Should I make it into a lamp? If I can get the hat off, it would make a perfect umbrella stand. I think I can get the hat off if I heat up the bottom part in the fireplace. What do you think? Oh oh, well, Mrs. Overshaw, I think what you might have there is an unexploded artillery shell. So, no, my dear, I would not particularly recommend heating it up in the fireplace. In fact, I would not recommend touching your garden gnome any further. Especially do not drop it, or drop anything on it. If any of the heroes of the Home Army are listening to this broadcast, and I know some of you are, would you mind dropping by Mrs. Gillian Overshaw's place at 25 St. Giles Crescent, and help her in disposing of this rather peculiar garden gnome? Thank you, there's a good chap.

Well, this one is from Mrs. Susan Brimble of Northumberland Passage. Dear Mr. Worthing -- oh, Susan, there's no need to be so formal! You can call me Jack! Or Uncle Jack! But don't call me Mr. Worthing, because that's me father. And definitely don't call me Mrs. Worthing, hah hah! Anyway, dear Mr. Worthing, my husband stays a really long time in the bath. He comes home after work, and immediately runs a bath. And he stays in it until it's time for dinner! Sometimes he even stays in there after I tell him it is time for dinner. Last night, I even brought him his dinner in the bath, and he left it there, on the side of the sink! What's a wife to do? Well, Susan -- Sue -- may I call you Sue? I'd like to think I can call you Sue. Susan, I'm not a Doctor. I only play one on TV, hah hah! But I do know some Doctors, and I asked them about your husband. They think your husband might just need a little bit more Joy in his life. He seems to be trying to soak it in through his skin! And well, that takes a very long time! And it will turn him into a prune! So please be sure that your husband pops a Joy or two when he wakes up, and a Joy or two before he goes to bed, and I think you'll be seeing a lot more of him, and in a considerably dryer state. There are very few problems that Joy won't make better! Alright Suzie? Good!

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again tomorrow for more cheery answers to your questions about your life in Wellington Wells! This is Jack Worthing, saying "Cheerio, and on with your day!" See you soon!

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Joy[]

And, now it's time for "I Hear You," the part of our show where Jack Worthing, that's me, answers your letters and questions about our life in Wellington Wells.

And today's first letter is from Rupert Scrivener of 12 Spanker Lane. Mr. Scrivener asks, "Uncle Jack" -- that's me! -- "is it possible to take too much Joy?" Well, Mr. Scrivener, it is possible, but you really have to work at it. You have to take a great deal of Joy before you experience any toxic effects. Joy is quite safe in the short term, and you can take up to ten pills per day if you are a man of average weight. However, there are side-effects, as we all know. Joy not only makes you happy, it suppresses bad old memories. If you take too much, it may temporarily suppress memories you actually need to get around. Do you have trouble identifying the people in your house, and yet they seem quite friendly and affectionate? Do you find yourself wondering exactly what your house looks like, and how to get to it from wherever you are? Does it seem as if the shops and streets have all been moved around behind your back, and the map that you have in your head of your environment doesn't quite match the one in your memory? Well then, you may have taken rather too much Joy. It might be best to ask a friend to take you home so you can sleep it off. All right, good.

This one is from Royston Farrell, of Meadfold Passage. Dear Mr. Worthing – well, there's no need to call me Mr., Royston, we're all friends here, aren't we! And besides Mr. Worthing is me father! -- Anyway, my question is, writes Mr. Farrell, what's all this talk about a Joy spiral? Dear Mr. Farrell, the so-called "Joy spiral" is an imaginary syndrome in which you take too much Joy, then forget you've taken your Joy, so you take more Joy, and then forget you've taken that, and so on and so on and so on. But Mr. Farrell, I can assure you that no such thing exists as a Joy spiral. You might as well believe in the Tooth Fairy, or Santa Claus, or there is people who tell you we lost the War! Hah hah! It's ridiculous. Long before any such "Joy spiral" catches hold of you, you'll probably pass out, and when you wake up, your memory will be restored. Yes, it's true that you might be a bit confused about where things are, but any passer by will be happy to point you in the right direction. All right, Mr. Farrell? Good, thank you for writing.

And here I have an envelope -- a scented envelope, I do believe! -- from Mrs. Joan Tambling-Goggin of Shagbear Wood in central Wellington Wells. Mrs. Tambling-Goggin writes, "I know we beat the Germans and made them abandon our scepter'd isle, but how did we do it? Didn't they have tanks?" Ah, Mrs. Tambling-Goggin, thank you very much for writing. Yes, it's easy to be confused by the events of those long-gone days. Yes, indeed, they had tanks. Quite a few of them. If you ever are in sight of the Victory Memorial Camp, you can see those German tanks lined up as if it were 1948. I'll tell you how we beat them. With English cleverness, English patience, and English fortitude. That's how. If you want more details – and I don't know why you'd want more details, but if you did want more -- you can get a wonderful book called "Our Glorious Victory," by Jack Worthing -- that's me! It's available in just about every bookstore in Wellington Wells, and it's full of quotations from all your favorite wartime heroes, from the generals, to the common Tommy trudging through the mud. But you already know the lesson, Mrs. Tambling-Goggin: patience and fortitude! Now, stop dwelling in the past, and enjoy our English sunshine, why don't you!

Well... I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. I hope this has been informative. Tune in again tomorrow for more fascinating glimpses into the lives of your fellow citizens of Wellington Wells! This is Jack Worthing, saying "Cheerio, and on with your day!" See you soon!

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My Husband Sleeps in a Small Bed[]

And, now it's time for "I Hear You," the part of our show where Jack Worthing, that's me, answers your letters and questions about our life in Wellington Wells.

And my first letter is from Mrs. Emily Clewley, of Faulkland Road. "Dear Uncle Jack, I adore your show, and thank you for answering my question. I have a big Victorian bed that my husband inherited from his grandmum. But most nights, he crawls off to sleep in the small bedroom room, in the small bed we have there. He promises that it's not because I snore. But he won't say why he does, and I'm not sure even he knows. He seems a little sad. What should I do?" Dear Emily -- may I call you Emily? Your letter is quite touching. But I think you know the answer, don't you? If he seems a little sad, there is only one possible answer. He's off his Joy a bit, isn't he? You must encourage him to take his pills, and if he seems a bit defiant, take him to a Doctor. There's no sense sleeping in a rickety little bed in a small room when you can sleep in a proper English bed in a proper master bedroom. And quite frankly, even if you did snore, if he's taking his Joy, then he should sleep soundly regardless. Just make sure he falls asleep before you do, and you both should be fine. Thank you for writing Emily, and do keep me posted about your progress.

Well, that was a bit dreary of a letter, I'm sorry. Forget I read it, will you? Well, let's look at another one, shall we? This one is from Mrs. Perdie Robbins-Hanley of Oldfield Park. "Dear Uncle Jack. My husband won't take off his happy face at home. He won't even take it off in bed! Is that healthy? He says he has nightmares if he takes it off. But it's a little creepy, innit?"-- She actually wrote "innit" -- "I mean, he could be anyone." Well, Perdie, are you sure he actually is your husband? Hah hah! Well, you can't be too careful these days, can you! Hah! But seriously, Perdie ... we do what it takes to stay happy, don't we? And the Happy mask is scientifically sculpted to keep you happy. You see, when your facial muscles are shaped in a smile, you can't help feeling happy. Now, normally I would suggest he take more Joy. But some people do have a slight intolerance to Joy. If your husband is one of these people, he may just be doing what he needs in order to keep himself up. Certainly if he's having nightmares without his Happy Face, why on Earth would he sleep without it when he can sleep with it and not have nightmares? So come on, have a little conjugal consideration, and appreciate his good qualities. Assuming he is, after all, not an imposter, ho ho ho! Thank you for writing, Perdie!

This one is from Poppy Findlay, of Twerton Manor. "Dear Uncle Jack. I have a lovely row of tulips in front of my house. I should say, I used to have, because they are half gone. And I found a great big pile of tulip tops in the rubbish. Has some animal come and eaten half my tulip bulbs? Is it a badger? How can I catch it and eat it?" Well, Poppy, I'm sorry to tell you, it's extremely unlikely that you have a badger. Given that the tulip tops were placed in the rubbish, I think you might be dealing with a hungry human. Did you know that you can eat tulip bulbs? There's a fabulous and hilarious story from the Dutch tulip mania of the sixteen hundreds. A sailor visited a friend of his, and saw an onion on his table, and he ate it. It turned out to be a rare tulip bulb worth hundreds of guineas! Hah hah! And he ate it! Can you imagine the fuss that it is? I hope he enjoyed it! No word what happened to the sailor, but I bet he took the next ship out. I hope he wasn't hanged! Anyway, do you by any chance happen to live near the Garden District? Sometimes the unfortunate souls who live there come into the Village, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if they ate your tulip bulbs. I doubt there is anything you can do about it, except watch your remaining flowers, and call the Police if you see anyone near them. In the meantime, I imagine that if you can eat tulip bulbs, you could probably eat the tops, too, with a bit of cooking. Well, it couldn't hurt, anyway!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. I hope you'll join us again next time when I'll once again answer all your questions about life in Wellington Wells. I'll see you soon!

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Old Newspapers[]

And, now it's time for "I Hear You," the show where Jack Worthing, that's me, answers all your letters and questions about our life in beautiful Wellington Wells.

And this one is from Richard Starkey of Biddlestone Road. "Dear Uncle Jack. Is it true there are blind, albino mole people living beneath our fair city? That's what my friends say. I thought I saw one, too, but I wasn't sure, as we'd all had a bit too much to drink, and my memory is of course a bit fuzzy." Dear Richard: of course there aren't "mole people." This isn't London. There are no ancient catacombs or old bomb shelters underneath our streets. And of course the Wellington Under is completely blocked up. And human beings have not suddenly grown claws to make their own tunnels through the dirt, thank goodness! Hah hah! What an imagination your friend has! Of course, there are the poor, benighted Wastrels in the Garden District, which is reason enough not to go there, if you needed a reason! (Not to mention the unexploded bombs, rusty scraps of metal, and holes that you can fall into.) And I don't need to tell you how dangerous it is outside the walls. I wouldn't even think about going there. But you can be perfectly sure that absolutely no one is moving around underneath the pavement! Glad that's settled.

Well, this one is from John Lydon of Benwell Road. "Dear Jack" -- I guess he isn't the sort of fellow to cry uncle, our Mr. Lydon! -- "Dear Jack, there's a stranger in my house who looks just like my wife. And she says she's my wife, too! What has been done with my real wife! Who did this to me! Your help is much appreciated in this matter." Well, it looks like Mr. Lydon has been experiencing one of the odd side effects of Joy. It does happen from time to time. It's called Capgras Delusion, and it's not unheard of. Mr. Lydon, if you're listening, go see a Doctor. They may be able to adjust your dose, or give you an analog. And if anyone who's listening actually knows Mr. Lydon, or lives on Benwell Road, do inform a nearby Doctor that Mr. Lydon might need a visit. I'm sure everything will come out roses. And remember by the way, don't hesitate to go see a Doctor if you need any medical attention. They'll fix up that cut right away. And, they'll always check your Joy level and make sure it's where it should be! Good.

This one is from Edwin Powell, of Hoylake. "Dear Mr. Worthing--" -- Oh, Edwin, let's be friends, shall we? I'm just going to edit this a bit-- "Dear Uncle Jack, I was cleaning out my garage, and I came up with a big pile of newspapers from the war” Yes, I'm not going to read the rest of the letter, because I know exactly what you should do. What do you do with a bunch of old newspaper? Well, it is the perfect thing to use to light a fire in your fireplace! The older and dryer the paper, the better! I wouldn't recommend using it to wrap fish, first of all because I haven't seen a fish in years, and second because you're not a fish shop, and third of all, the paper does get a bit crumbly and you don't want that on your food. So just burn it all up on a cold night, and you'll be glad you did.

What a strange pack of letters we have today. I wonder if we ought to quit while we're ahead. All right, we'll give it one more go, shall we? Ah, it smells like roses! "Dear Uncle Jack." Yes I forgot to mention who it's from. This was a mistake. And it's from Susan Janet Ballion of Chislehurst Vicarage. And she writes: "Dear Uncle Jack. I keep getting lost in my own neighborhood. I've lived there all my life, but lately, it seems like they're moving the buildings around on me. It's most disconcerting. I'm not old or anything, and I haven't been hit on the head, at least not that I remember. They're not actually moving the buildings ... are they?" Dear Susie -- may I call you Susie? I think it suits you. Dear Susie, I'm glad to say, you clearly are taking your Joy! Joy is what helps us forget the past and move on into the radiant future. Getting lost is just a mild side effect. Fortunately, there's an easy solution. Carry a map! In fact, carry one in each pocket! That way, you don't have to remember which pocket your map is in! You know, I'm so delighted when I can so easily help a listener!

And here we are, yes... I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again tomorrow for more advice and news from our listeners and watchers! This is Jack Worthing, saying "Cheerio, and on with your day!" See you soon!

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Whose Uncle are you?[]

And, now it's once again time for "I Hear You," the part of our show where Jack Worthing, that's me, answers your letters and questions about our life in Wellington Wells.

Let's see what Rosalie Millais-Scott has to say. Wait a second! Do I detect a hint of roses? Oh, Rosalie. If this is a love letter, it's going to be very embarrassing when I read it out on the air! Dear Uncle Jack. -- Now that's better, isn't it? -- Whose uncle are you? Are you my uncle? I don't remember having an uncle. Dear Rosalie: oh, how I wish I were your uncle, because you seem like a lovely girl. But I'm not, biologically, anybody's uncle. I just feel like I'm an uncle. And many of your fellow viewers feel like I'm their uncle too. So it just sort of grew, like dandelions. And you know how difficult it is to uproot dandelions. They just keep growing back. Which is lovely, because you can eat them, did you know that? But I digress. The way uncles do. All you need to know, my dear, is that I feel as fond of you as any uncle ever could. And I hope you feel just as fond of me. All right, Rosalie? Good.

This one is from Dermot Nightingale, of Gascoyne House, Upper Borough Walls. Dear Uncle Jack, a few days ago, I saw a bunch of citizens chasing someone down Milk Street. They ran right past me. So naturally, I was swept up in the flow, and soon I was chasing the man down the street as well. And I'm pretty sure we caught up with him. But I can't remember what happened next. I think we beat him. But I can't remember if we killed him or not. Do you know who he was? And did we kill him? Do you know why we were chasing him? Dear Dermot. I don't think you should worry about this sort of thing. If a whole bunch of citizens were chasing someone down the street, I think we can safely say that someone did something wrong. After all, there's only one of him, and there's a lot of you. So you win the vote! Anyway, what's past is past. We've all done things that weren't perfect. Listen, if we spent all our time worrying about the things we've done, we'd never be able to enjoy our day! So feel better. Pop a few extra Joy today, and I bet in the morning you won't even remember what you were so upset about. I'm so glad I'm able to help! Well, I do so enjoy hearing from you all, my dear listeners, yes.

This one is from Mrs. Fitz-Lloyd Dicks, of Monmouth Place. Dear Uncle Jack, I haven't been feeling entirely well these past few days. I feel rather tired, and it's hard to get out of bed, so I asked my husband to get this letter to you. Oh, dear, I hope this isn't going to be a medical question! I've already called the Doctors once today. Ah, no, it isn't. I've noticed an odd thing. On the roof across from my bedroom, I've noticed an awful lot of chickens. They just fly up there, and watch me through my open window. The peculiar thing is, they're all black, with sharp black beaks, and all they do all day is go "caw, caw, caw." Why are there chickens on my neighbor's roof? I've never noticed them there before. Dear Mrs. Dicks, I think it's likely that those are not chickens at all. But rather, I think those might be crows. Crows are black birds that sit on rooftops and caw. They might have noticed that you are not stirring from your bed, and they are there to keep you company while you recover. Isn't that sweet of them? But I am a tad worried about that open window of yours. You don't want to catch a cold from the draft! Perhaps you can ask your husband to shut it the next time you see him.

And this one is from Cedric Pullett, of Oldfield Park. Dear Uncle Jack, this morning I was cleaning up my house, and I came across a box of military medals. I'm pretty sure they're my military medals, because my father was never in a war, because he had a bit of a limp. So they must be mine. I'd like to know what they're for. All I remember during the War was retreating. And then the surrender. And then we all took off our uniforms. That's all I can remember. So how could I have won even one medal? Thank you for that very poignant questions, Mr. Tullett. And I for one salute your service during the War, sir. And I think I can assure you that the Next War will be a string of English victories like you've never even imagined. After all, as we all know, the English always win in the end!

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. I do hope you've found these letters not only interesting, but useful to you in your own life. Do keep those letters coming. In fact, with Victory Day coming up, please let me know how you're planning to spend the holiday, and the reader with the most amazing plans shall win a prize. Tune in again tomorrow for more cheery answers to your questions about your life in Wellington Wells! This is Jack Worthing, saying "Cheerio, and on with your day!" See you soon!

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Word of the day[]

And now it's time to read some of the letters our audience writes to Jack Worthing -- that's me, Uncle Jack!

First we have Mrs. H.K. Chesterfield, of Purlewent Drive, Maidenholm, and she writes, “Sometimes when I look out my window at the Garden District at night, I think I see fires. I assumed it was the bobbies keeping themselves warm, but once I saw a whole lot of fires out on Wednesday's Hill. They're not having some sort of police convention, are they? And I swear I could hear chanting!” Well, Mrs. Chesterfield, I shouldn't worry. Sometimes, you know, the moon reflects in the windows, and if there's wind knocking against the window, it can create a sort of flicker effect. Now, my guess is that your curtain rod's fallen down. If you'll just fix up your curtain rod and draw the blinds closed at night, you'll find you're no longer worrying about fires in the Garden District. Instead you'll think about how cozy we all are in our houses at night.

And now, Mr. Nigel Hickinbotham, of Bellotts Road, St. George, and he writes, “How long can this go on?” Odd. That's all, isn't it? That's all he wrote. No, there's another side. It continues: “How long has this been going on?” Well, it's rather strange, isn't it? Do you know? I think it must be some sort of riddle. Yes, and if it is a riddle, and one of you clever clogs has a clever answer, please drop a note to Jack Worthing, that's me, at the Broadcast Tower, and I'll be sure to let everybody else know it. Oh, and I almost forgot.

It's time for the Secret Word of the Day. I'm going to say a word, and ladies, if you can get a bobby to say that word, you're allowed to kiss them! But you're not allowed to say that word to them because that would be cheating! All right? The secret word of the day is “epistemology.” Now, it'll help you to know that “epistemology” is the study of how we know things!

Well, good luck, ladies, and remember, no telling them the word first!

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News Hour Transcripts[]

Are They Sleeping?[]

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Do What You Should be Doing[]

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Garden District[]

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Going Out at Night isn't Bright[]

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Look at you[]

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What to do about Downers[]

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PSA Downers[]

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Random Things the Faces Says[]

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News Items[]

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Play With Jack! Transcripts[]

Simon Says, watch this![]

And now, it's time for our Daily Recreational Activity, the show where you're the star! Come on, everybody! It's time for everyone to gather in front of the telly! And if you're inside, be sure to go and find a telly outside! This game is much more fun to play in a crowd!

Today, we're going to be playing Simon Says. Are you ready to play? Okay, begin! Hah hah! I didn't say "Simon Says", I got you already! You all know the rules, don't you? I'm going to tell you to do something. But if I don't say "Simon Says," you don't do it. If I do say "Simon Says," you do do it. Okay, ready? Is everybody ready? You there -- are you ready? Oh, come on, don't be shy. You know you want to. Of course you do. There's a good lad! Everybody give him a hand. Uh oh no no no no -- I didn't say Simon Says! Okay. Simon says-- begin!

All right. Simon says ... put your hands on your head. Simon says ... touch your feet! Simon says ... never mind. Clap your hands! Heh heh. Yes, you there, you're out. And you, too! You're out. Go on, out you go! Good! Hah! I didn't say Simon says! But you got out! So you're out! You have to be very careful! All right. Simon says lift your right knee. Simon says lift your left knee. Lift both your knees! If you're on the floor, well, you didn't wait for Simon.

Did you know that Simon Says was invented in 1266, when Simon de Montfort had control of King Henry the Third? And no matter what King Henry ordered, it didn't matter until Simon Says.
Clap your hands! I did say Simon Says, you see. I just said it as part of another sentence. So you, and you. You're out! Simon says you're out! Well, you're all doing brilliantly. Isn't this fun, eh? I think it's pretty fun. Simon says: have fun! Brilliant! Simon says: flap your arms! Simon says: flap'em again! And again! Nooooooo! If you flapped them a third time, you're out! Simon says: Banana bread! Oh my god, I don't even know why I said that word. I don't even know what it means!
Simon says, jump! Simon says: skip in place! Simon says: pat a cake! Simon says: jump again! Simon says: kick! Clap! Simon says flap! Clap! Flap! Simon says jump! Simon says spin! Simon says put your hands on your hips! Simon says: put your head on your knees. Simon says: put your head in your hands. Put your hands on your hips! Heh heh. Simon says jump! No, I didn't say Simon says! You there! Listen carefully! I didn't say Simon says you must be very careful or you'll be out! Hah hah!
Please extinguish all cigarettes. Just kidding. Who has cigarettes any more? If you do, Simon says: give me one! Simon says: scratch your head. Simon says: shout. WOW! Very good, that was brilliant! Run in circles! I didn't say Simon says! Simon says: ignore my next command. Simon says: fall on the ground! Simon says: don't jump! Jump! Don't jump! Simon says jump! Sing Rule Brittania! Hah! You all have a lovely singing voice. But I didn't say Simon Says. Simon says fall down. Get up! Simon says roll over. Simon says stand up! Yes, brilliant!

That was terrific. That was really, very, very good. I hope all of you had a fantastic time. I trust you all brought cake, because I did promise cake, and I hate to be a liar. Well, the game is over. Simon-says-spin! Hah! Simon says, now the game is over! Simon says: I hope you enjoyed yourselves!

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in next time, for another rousing Daily Recreational Activity! Thank you all for playing! See you soon!

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It's Simon Says, with weapons![]

And now, it's time for our Daily Recreational Activity, the show where you're the star! Come on, everyone! It's time for everyone to get out on the street, and find a telly to watch! This game is so much more fun to play with all your friends and fellow citizens!

Today is a very special episode of our favorite Simon Says. Have you ever wondered if you're ready in case the Germans ever came back? Would you know how to defend yourself against the marauding Boche? Are you ready? All right, now let's play Simon Says! Hah hah! I didn't say "Simon Says"! You all know the rules, don't you? I'm going to tell you to do something. But if I don't say "Simon Says," you don't do it. If I do say "Simon Says," you do do it. All right, is everybody ready? You there -- are you ready? You are? Yes, that's the Wellington Wells spirit! Everybody give him a hand. No no no no -- I didn't say Simon Says!

All right. Now, I want everyone to get themselves a weapon. Cricket bat, crowbar, anything. If all you have is a banana, that's fine. Actually, if you have a banana, just drop it here at the station, and I'll swap you for a slightly used mallet. Good, Simon says ... raise your weapon! Simon says ... swing right! Swing left! Simon says swing right! Hah hah! Yes, I can see I already got a few people out there. If you swung left, then you're out! The Germans got you! Fall to the ground eviscerated. Hah hah hah hah hah! I'm just joking. You can never be too careful. All right. Simon says swing left. Simon says swing right. Simon says lunge! Simon says parry. Lunge! Ahhhhh .... Yes you there, you're out. Remember, the lunge is your finishing blow. Save it for when your enemy's on the back foot, no matter what Simon says. Lunge. Did you lunge? You were supposed to. I did say Simon Says. I just said it in bits. So you, and you. You're out! Simon says you're out! Very good. You're all beautiful.

Give it to me! Simon says give it to me! Yes! Yes! Very good! Simon says: take a step forward. Simon says: take a step back. Simon says: swing right! Simon says swing left. Simon says finishing blow! Step back! Simon says: shout! Simon says: raise your weapon! Simon says: have fun. You're all doing brilliantly!
Very good! Simon says: jump! Simon says: parry! Simon says: dodge. Simon says: lunge! Simon says: victory meat is wonderful! Captain says: swing left! Hah! I didn't say Simon says! Simon says: don't do the next thing I say. Simon says: jump. What do I do what do I do what do I do???? Simon says: run in circles. Simon says: spin in place! Simon says: lunge! Lovely! Simon says: sing Rule Britannia!
(sings) Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves! Britons never, never, never shall be slaves! Good! Simon says: swing right! Simon says: swing left! Simon says: swing right! You there: Simon says run along! All right. Simon says fall down. Simon says get up! Simon says roll over. Simon says stand up! Brilliant!
Simon says do everything I do shout even if I don't say Simon says. (shouts) SWING RIGHT. SWING LEFT. SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT. LUNGE. LUNGE AGAIN. LUNGE AGAIN. STEP FORWARD. RIGHT. LEFT. RIGHT. LUNGE. LUNGE AGAIN. FINISH HIM! FATALITY!

(claps) That was terrific. Very, very good. I hope all of you had a fantastic time. I trust you all brought cake, because I did promise cake, and I hate to be a liar. Well, I'm afraid the game is over. Simon-says-spin! Hah! Simon says, now the game is over! Simon says: I hope you all enjoyed yourselves!

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in next time, for another rousing Daily Recreational Activity! Thank you all for playing! See you soon!

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Humor Hour Transcripts[]

Brits[]

Hello, and welcome to today's edition of "Humour Hour," the show where you tell me jokes. Well, I tell the jokes, but you send them in!

And the first joke comes from Mr. Nigel Plaskitt of The Barton. Dear Uncle Jack I love your show, and Humour Hour is my favorite. Here's one I heard at the pub. A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, and a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly". Hah hah hah hah, that's excellent, Mr. Plaskitt, very good! I can certainly think of better ways to eat a banana, if I could get one. Ha ha ha! Very good.

And this one is from Ridgewell Hawkes of Hither Lane. "I went to see my old friend Angus MacTavish the other day." I sense a Scottish joke coming on, do you? " I went to see my old friend Angus MacTavish the other day and he was stripping all the wallpaper off his living room wall. 'Angus,' I said, 'I can't believe you're redecorating!' 'Ahm not!' he said. 'I'm movin' 'ouse!'" Hah hah hah, 'I'm movin' 'ouse!' you could just hear him heh? We all know how stingy the Scots are! Good one, Ridgewell Hawkes, very good.

And, from Mrs. Antonia Pennelegion of Upper Watling Street... "My husband is always complaining that his eye hurts whenever he drinks tea. 'Well take the spoon out of the cup, dear,' I tell him." Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You certainly have a very stupid husband, Mrs. Pennelegion! Excellent jokes today, my friends.

And here's one today from our faithful contributor, Mr. Persky Blatjang. Mr. Blatjang, what have you got for us today? An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of good English ale. Just as they're about to drink deep, three flies land in each of their pints, and get stuck in the head. Well, the Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust, "I'm not bloody well going to drink that", he says. The Scotsman spoons the fly out of the bubbles and drinks the pint, "Waste not, want not," he says. The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings, holds it over his mug, and says, "Spit it out, ye bastard! Spit it all out!" Ha ha ha ha, very good, Mr. Persky Blatjang of Duke of Leicester Street. Though I have to say, I'm personally with the Scot on that one! Waste not, want not! Sound advice.

And this is from Camilla Bickforth-Jones of Peel Street. man goes to his doctor. He touches his shoulder, and winces. "Doctor, he says, it hurts when I touch my shoulder." He touches his nose, "And it hurts when I touch my nose." And then he touches his knee, "And it hurts when I touch my knee!" The doctor says, "I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised: You've got a broken finger!" Hoo hoo hoo, that's wonderful, Mrs. Bickforth-Jones.

Here's one from Felicity Royston, writing from the George and Dragon, here in Hamlyn. "I thought I'd try the new Joy diet, she says." Hmmmm, I didn't know there was a Joy diet. "I think it's working. I've lost several days already!" Ha ha! Yes, one does sometimes forget a thing or two if you overdo it! You know actually I find it's best to write things down if they're really important. In fact, I seem to have written a note to myself just the other day. Let's see what it says. "Don't forget to do it!" Hmmm. I should be a little more specific next time, eh? Well, that was a bit strange. Let's see what else we got.

I got one here from Mr. Cyril Pike of Inchinnan Circle. "I saw my friend Jeremy walking along the street with his wife the other day. Suddenly, she fell into a manhole. But Jeremy kept walking. I ran over to him, "Good, God, man, didn't you notice that your wife fell in a manhole a hundred feet back?" "Oh, thank goodness," said Jeremy. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" Lovely, lovely. So thoughtful of you, Mr. Pike. I do hope they got her out of the sewer. If not, one less mouth to feed, eh? Got to think about that!

And this one is from Corporal Lindsay Douglas at the Victory Memorial Camp. He's one of the loyal members of the Home Army. "Do you know what's one of the toughest things about having to wear camouflage trousers? You could never find them!" I'm sorry? Oh -- hah hah! Yes, because they're camouflaged! Very good! Brilliant, Corporal Douglas. Very, very funny. And may I say, we salute your service. It's good to know you're there to protect us when the Next War comes!

And, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. If you hear a good joke, please don't hesitate to drop a note marked "Humour Hour" at our studio, 2 Marlborough House, in central Wellington Wells. Tune in again next time for the best in English humour! See you soon!

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Downers[]

Hello, welcome to today's edition of "Humour Hour," the show where you tell me jokes. Well, actually I tell the jokes, but you send them in!

And the first joke comes from Mr. Prentis Gibson of Claverton Down. Mr Gibson says: Dear Uncle Jack. What do you call three Downers at the bottom of the sea? Not enough Downers! Ha ha ha ha ha, very good, we are starting very strong today, aren't we?
And this one is from Bryonie Ditton of Colliers Lane. What's the difference between a Downer and a trampoline? you take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline! How true, how very true. You don't want to damage a perfectly good trampoline, do you! Ha ha ha, very good indeed.
And, from Mrs. Jemima Hughes of Coronation Avenue...And the joke is "If you see a drowning Downer, what do you throw him? I don't know? a brick? An anvil? You can't very well throw an anvil, can you? A grenade? Who has a grenade these days? Another Downer! Hah hah! I thought it was good. That's wonderful. Hah hah! Very good. You see, they both drown.
Oh, and here's another one! How do you save a drowning Downer. Answer: who cares? Ha ha ha ha ha ha, very good. Lovely jokes. Lovely jokes, today, very funny indeed.
And here's one from Clive Pritchard, of Sladebrook Road. Mr Pritchard, what do you have for us today. Question: "How is a puppy like a mortally wounded Downer?" Answer: "Eventually they'll both stop whining." Oh, Mr. Pritchard. You are quite a character aren't you? You know... I miss my dog. What am I saying? I don't miss anything at all! I've got it all, right here! Well, let's see what else we've got.
Oh, yes! We have something from our dear friend and faithful contributor, Mr. Persky Blatjang! As you can tell from his name, Mr. Blatjang isn't actually a real Englishman, he's an Afrikaner from South Africa. But he's doing his patriotic best to fit in. So, what do you have for us today, Mr. Blatjang? Question: how is a Downer like an apple? Answer: they both look good hanging from a tree! Hmmm. I'm not sure I get it. Oh, Hah hah! I see! That is very good! Hanging from a tree! Oh, and here's another one! What's the difference between a Downer and the Black Plague? Well, one is a deadly organism that can destroy an entire city, and the other is a bacterium! Hah hah Hah hah Hah hah Hah hah, oh very good! Well, it's going to be hard to top that one, but we must slog on, it's one of our greatest English virtues.

I have one here from Thomas Henchley of Longbottom Circle. What have you got for us, Mr. Henchley? Question: Why do we bury Downers twenty feet under ground. Answer: because deep down they are really nice people! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha deep down ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think that's the best one of all. It really is. Very good. Remember, no one has to be a Downer. But if you feel a bit down, take your Joy. If you see someone who seems a bit down, make sure he takes his Joy. It's as simple as that. Happiness is a choice. And those who won't choose it are a threat to the rest of us.

If you hear a good joke, please don't hesitate to drop a note marked "Humour Hour" at our studio, 2 Marlborough House, in central Wellington Wells. And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again next time for the best in humour! See you soon!

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Germans[]

Welcome to today's edition of "Humour Hour," the show where you tell me jokes. Well, actually I tell the jokes, but you send them in!

And the first joke comes from Winston Smith of Basingstoke Road. “Dear Uncle Jack, I love your show, especially "Humour Hour," blah blah blah. Here's one for you that always cracks us up. Question: How can you tell a German from a pickle? Answer: You can't. You can't tell a German anything!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's good, Winston Smith! Thanks you for that.
And this one is from Cyril Price of Wexley Crescent. “My grandfather was a crack shot. Why, he shot five Germans! And that was only last year!” Ha ha ha ha ha! You can never be too careful, can you? That was Mr. Cyril Price of Wexley Crescent, thank you Sir, very funny.
Now what do we have now? And, from Mrs. Michael Tunbridge of Upper Stokely Road... “Question: What did the German say as he pushed his brother off a cliff? Answer: Look, mama, no Hans!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love it! No Hans! It's really good indeed.
And here's one from our faithful contributor, Mr. Persky Blatjang. What have you got for us today, Mr. Persky Blatjang? “Question: What do you call an angry German? Answer: A sour Kraut.” I don't get it. Is that a joke? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don't understand. Iss zis a choke? Vy vood you call a German a sour Kraut. Iss this zome kind of English vordplay? Ha ha ha ha, Mr. Persky Blatjang, very good. This is Mr. Blatjang of Duke of Leicester Street.
And this is from Helen Corcoran of Orange Circle. “What's the best way to start a German joke? Answer: by looking over your shoulder.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha very good, looking over your shoulder, it's funny and also very sound advice heh!
Here's one from Millie Dench, from the King's Head in Hamlyn. “Question: what did the German say to the English clock that went "tick, tick, tick"? Answer: Vee haff vays of making you tock!" Hee hee heee hee! Vee haff vays of making you tock! Ho ho ho ho! Isn't that good. I love it, very good today. Well, I don't think we're going to be able to top that one!

If you do hear a good joke, please don't hesitate to drop us a note marked "Humour Hour" at our studio, 2 Marlborough House, in central Wellington Wells. And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again next time for the best in humour! See you soon!

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Nighty Night Transcripts[]

Goldilocks[]

Pt. 1[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to be getting ready to go to bed. You don't want to be out after dark, do you? Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. Well, curl up in front of the telly, and Uncle Jack will tell you a story. Tonight's story is called Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Once upon a time, there were three bears who lived in a house in the woods. They were called Henry Bear, Jane Bear, and Jane's father, old Edward Bear. They had barely enough food to feed themselves, but it was enough. Every morning, Henry Bear had a big bowl of porridge because he was big, and Jane had a medium sized bowl because she was medium sized, and old Edward Bear had a small bowl, for though he was wise, he was tiny, and needed to preserve his strength, and he didn't need to eat much either. And Henry had a big chair, and Jane had a medium sized chair, and old Edward had a small chair that was padded and very comfortable. And each of them had a bed to sleep in, a small bed for old Edward Bear, and a medium sized bed for Jane Bear, and a big bed for Henry Bear.

Every morning, Jane Bear made porridge for the three of them, just enough so that they would have energy throughout the day. And she gave them each their Joy, one pill for old Edward Bear, and two for herself, and three for big Henry Bear. They took their Joy right away, of course, because they knew that it's always best to start your day with Joy. Then they would go out for a walk in the woods to find berries to put in their porridge, while it cooled, because they knew that just a few berries are very healthy in porridge.

But one morning, while they were out, a young woman came by their house. Her name was Goldilocks, for she had golden hair which she was very proud of. And she was always getting into mischief and causing her neighbors trouble, because she thought she was entitled to everything because of her pretty golden hair. Well, the Three Bears were sensible bears, and they had locked up their house. It's always best to leave your house locked, because you can never be too careful. But when Goldilocks came by the Bears' house one morning, and noticed that the bears were not there, she said to herself,
(German accent) "Vot a nice house. I vonder vat is in it? (regular accent) So she checked all the windows. And sure enough, one of the window latches was loose. Goldilocks said to herself,
(German accent) "Ach, stupid Bears. They have not protected themselves so well." (regular accent) So she pried the window open, and went into the Bears' house, even though she did not belong there.

And she found herself in front of the dining table. Now Goldilocks was not particularly hungry, and she was used to better food than porridge. But she believed that anything she could take belonged to her. So she decided to taste the porridge. First, she decided to sit in the large chair and try the large bowl.
(German accent) "Zis porridge ist much too hot," (regular) she said to herself. Then she decided to sit on the small chair and try the small bowl.
(German accent) "Zis porridge is much too cold." (regular) she said to herself. So she decided to sit in the medium sized chair and taste from the medium-sized bowl.
(German) "Ach, yum it's perfect," (regular) she said to herself. And she ate up all the porridge in the bowl.

Well, eating all that porridge made Goldilocks very sleepy.
(German accent) "I vonder what sort of beds these bears have," (regular) she said to herself. So she looked for the bedroom, and as the Bears had a very small house, she found it right away. And she saw that there were three beds. At first, she tried the smallest bed, which was old Edward Bear's bed. But this bed was much too small for her, and no matter how much she thrashed around, her feet hung out. So she tried the big bed, which was Henry Bear's. But the big bed was very high, and no matter where she rolled around in the bed, Goldilocks was afraid that she would fall out of it while she was asleep. So she tried the medium sized bed, which was Jane Bear's bed. And she said to herself,
(German) "Zis is just right. I shall make this my bed." (regular) And in no time at all, she was fast asleep.

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in tomorrow evening, and I'll tell you the rest of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. It's a lovely story, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the rest of it. For now, this is Jack Worthing, saying, "Good night all, and see you tomorrow.

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Pt. 2[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to be getting ready to go to bed. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. I haven't finished the story of Little Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Well, gather round, citizens, gather round, and I'll tell you how it ends. We last left Goldilocks fast asleep in the Three Bears' house. She's eaten Jane Bear's porridge and made a mess of the dining room and the bedroom. And she's still asleep in Jane Bear's bed!

Well, soon enough the Three Bears finished their walk through the forest. They hadn't found many berries, just enough to flavor their porridge and keep them from getting scurvy. But they were looking forward to breakfast. But when they came into their dining room, they could see that something was not quite right. Henry Bear saw that there was a spoon standing in the middle of his porridge.
(big gruff voice) "Someone has been at my porridge," (regular) he said, in his great big gruff bear voice. And then old Edward Bear saw that there was a spoon in his bowl of porridge. (creaky old voice) "Someone has been at my porridge, too," (regular) said old Edward Bear. And Jane Bear looked at her bowl, and she was very upset. (Jane Bear voice) "Someone has been at my porridge, too, and ate it all up!"

(regular) She was very upset indeed, for now she had nothing to eat except for a few berries. Well, Henry Bear and old Edward Bear each gave her some of their porridge. But now they were all very hungry, because none of them had had enough to eat. And Bears need to eat a lot of food when they can, because they know that winter is coming and there won't be anything to eat.

Since they hadn't had enough to eat, they decided to rest a bit, because sleep is the poor man's dinner. But when they got to the bedroom, old Edward Bear looked at his bed, and saw how the covers had been thrown on the floor, and he said,
(creaky old voice) "Someone has been lying in my bed." (regular) And Henry Bear looked at his bed, and saw how the covers had been all rumpled, and he said, (big gruff voice) "And somebody has been lying in my bed." (regular) And Jane Bear looked at her bed, and at first it looked like it was still neatly made. But then she saw Goldilocks. (Jane Bear voice) "And someone has been lying in my bed," she shrieked, "and she's still there!"

At that, Goldilocks woke up with a start. And she saw three bears staring at her. And she screamed, (German accent) "Get out, get out all of you, get out of my house," maybe because she thought she was in her own house, or maybe she thought that she could take the Bears' house from them if she screamed loudly enough. So Henry Bear hit her with his big bear paw, and knocked her head clean off her shoulders. They felt much better. And the three bears tore the rest of her apart and ate her. And it was very good indeed because they had enough to eat. And all three of them lived happily ever after. And Goldilocks she never bothered anyone ever again.

And the moral of the story is -- don't go wandering around at night, or you might get killed! Well, that's the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. What a wonderful story. I hope you enjoyed hearing it as much as I enjoyed reading it. And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again tomorrow for another bedtime story. This is Jack Worthing, telling you to have a lovely night, and pleasant dreams! See you tomorrow!

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Hansel and Gretel[]

Pt. 1[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good Wellies to cuddle up in bed. You don't want to be out after dark, do you? Foggy Jack might come for you! And then where would you be? In several places at once, wouldn't you, heh heh heh. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. Well, curl up in front of the telly, and Uncle Jack will tell you a story. Tonight's story is called Hansel and Gretel.

Once upon a time there lived a poor woodcutter with his wife and his two aged parents. The old man's name was Hansel and the old woman's name was Gretel. There was little to eat, and when a hard winter came across the land, so hard that the wolves prowled the crossroads at night, the woodcutter could no longer feed his parents. He lay in bed with his wife, and they discussed what to do. The woodcutter's wife said,
“Here is what we will do, Liebling. We will lead them deep into the woods to gather firewood, and we will trick them, and we will leave them there, and then there will bread enough for the both of us. For they were not her parents, and they didn't particularly liked her.

At first the woodcutter said, “I don't know, maybe I should leave *you* in the woods instead.” But his wife said, “Oh, here's a funny man! No, they are old and do not work any more,” and the woodcutter had to admit she had a point. What the woodcutter did not know was that his parents had overheard the entire conversation, for they had very good hearing for old people, and they had not been sleeping well. And Hansel said to Gretel, “Our son is going to leave us in the woods to starve. What shall we do?” Gretel said, “Let us gather bright pebbles by the light of the Moon.”

The next day, at dawn, the woodcutter and his wife led his parents deep, deep into the woods, deeper than they had ever gone to cut firewood. The wife made a fire for them, and said, “Rest by the fire, while we chop wood.” And soon enough they heard the sound of chopping. Hansel and Gretel thought perhaps their son had not left them after all. But late in the evening, the wind died down, and so did the sounds of chopping. For it was only a branch that the woodcutter had rigged to bang against a tree in the wind. But Hansel and Gretel had dropped bright pebbles all along the path into the woods, and they were able to follow them all all the way back to the woodcutter's house, which had been their own house when they raised him.

When they came to the door, the woodcutter's wife, well, she was alarmed to see them. “You wicked people! Your son has been crying ever since you left him. He thought you did not want to come back.” That night, the woodcutter told his wife, “It is a gift from God. We don't have to leave my parents in the woods after all.”
“Oh you fool, idiot!” said the woodcutter's wife. “Do we have more bread Heute abend than we had yesterday?” And the woodcutter had already agreed once to abandon his parents; so he didn't really have a leg to stand on. So he agreed to lead them out to the woods the next morning.

That night, Hansel went to gather bright pebbles by the light of the Moon. But the woodcutter's wife had locked the door, so he could not gather any. In the morning, Hansel begged his son for a crust of bread to eat on the forest path. But he did not eat it. Instead, as his son led him deep into the woods, he broke off small bits and dropped them on the forest path. All along the way, Hansel spoke to his son of happier days, when they both had been young and the land was fat. He was hoping to soften his son's heart. And the woodcutter smiled and nodded, for when you are going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

And again the woodcutter's wife made them a fire, and made them lie down and rest by it, while the woodcutter and his wife went into the forest to chop wood. But they heard no branch banging against a tree, for the time was past for pretenses. Hansel said to Gretel, “Let us find our way home before night falls, because it is very cold, and they are not coming back for us.”

I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. We'll have to continue this delightful story tomorrow night. Did Hansel and Gretel find their way home, and did the woodcutter welcome them back, and did they all live happily ever after? Heh heh, I hope not. What kind of fairy tale do you think this is? Tune in tomorrow to find out!

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Pt. 2[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to hop into bed for the night. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. I haven't finished the story of Hansel and Gretel. Well, snuggle up by your telly or radio, and I'll tell you how it ends.

When we left Hansel and Gretel, their son had just abandoned them in the woods for the second time. Hansel and Gretel had cleverly left a trail of bread crumbs for them to find their way back. But it was a very hard winter, and the starving birds had already pecked up all of the bread crumbs. And snow began to fall, which covered up anything the birds had left. Hansel and Gretel could not find their way home. Instead, they only wandered deeper into the woods.

After three days of trudging in the snow, without anything to eat, they were on the verge of dying of exposure, when they came upon a small house. A white bird stood upon the roof, in spite of the snow, and now and then pecked at it, and so they realized that the entire house was made out of ginger bread, and the windows were made out of clear sugar. They were starving, of course, so Hansel helped himself to a chunk of the eaves, while Gretel broke off some of the window frame, which was made of frosting. Then, a voice came from inside,
“Nibble, nibble, little mouse, who is nibbling at my house?” They answered, “It is only the wind, which nibbles away at all things.”

But then Gretel poked her finger through the window, in order to break off a piece of the clear sugar. And a witch suddenly came out of the house. They could tell she was a witch, because she was beautiful and young, but she moved carefully, like someone who had once been old. They expected her to be angry, but she was kind, or so she seemed.
“You poor dears,” she said, “come into my house and sit by the fire, and you can have all the gingerbread and cake you like.”

And they ate gingerbread and cake, and pancakes, and soon they fell asleep, for they were exhausted. But the witch was only pretending to be kind to Hansel and Gretel. Really, she intended to cook and eat them. In fact, she had made the gingerbread house in order to lure someone to eat. For witches believe, I am told, that if you eat someone you get their power. Hansel woke up in a cell made not of sugar, but iron bars and oak beams. And cry as he might, no help came to him. And the witch woke Gretel, saying, “Get up! Cook a nice meal for your husband, for he is to be fattened up!”

So Gretel cooked up an omelette full of cheese, and pancakes, and biscuits. Biscuits for breakfast! It would have been wonderful if it was not evil. And the witch watched Hansel eat, planning how to cook him up. But then Gretel hit her as hard as she could in the head with the firewood axe, and the witch never looked at anything ever again. Some say Gretel did something cleverer to a witch, like tricking her into the oven, but it doesn't pay to be too clever, you know. Gretel let her husband out of his cell, and the two of them rejoiced, and ate as much of the house as they could stomach. And as they munched and crunched the house, they discovered there were pearls and precious stones hidden in the gingerbread. Hansel filled his pockets, and Gretel filled her apron.

By now, the sun had come out, and Hansel and Gretel were able to work out which way their home was. So they walked home, excited to tell their son about all the pearls and rubies and sapphires they had found in the house. The woodcutter's wife answered the door, and Gretel quickly cut her down with the axe. Hah hah, good old Gretel. And her son quickly forgave her, for blood is thicker than water.

And the moral of the story is, if you want someone dead, do it yourself. Hah hah hah hah, well no, that's not actually the moral of the story. The story doesn't have a moral. Good stories never do. Well I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in tomorrow evening, and I'll tell you the rest of the story of Goldie Locks and the Three Bears. It's a lovely story, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the rest of it. For now, this is Jack Worthing, saying, “Good night all, and see you in the morning.”

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Red Riding Hood[]

Pt. 1[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to be getting ready to go to bed. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. Well, gather round, citizens, gather round, and I'll tell you a bedtime story. Tonight's story is called Little Red Riding Hood.

Once a young woman was told by her older sister to bring a pie and some milk to their mother, who lived in the forest. The young woman was known as Little Red Riding Hood because she was not very tall, and she liked to wear a red cloak that her mother had knitted for her, because it went with her red, red hair and her red, red mouth.

As she was walking through the forest, a wolf came up to her, for in those days wolves roamed free in the woods. The Wolf asked her, (German accent) "Hello, Little English Girl, vere are you going?" (regular voice) Little Red Riding Hood was not afraid of wolves, for she had a very good knife in her basket. "I'm going to my mother's house in the woods," said Little Red Riding Hood. (German accent) "Ach, Vich path are you taking?" asked the Wolf. "The low road, or ze high road?" (LRRH voice) "The low road," said Little Red Riding Hood, for it was the shortest. (German accent) "Ach, Then we must soon part ways," said the Wolf, "for I am taking the high road."

And Little Red Riding Hood took the low road. And the Wolf, took the high road. But the Wolf could travel very fast when he wanted to. And though he was traveling on the high road, running up and down the ridges overlooking the forest, he reached Little Red Riding Hood's mother's house long before Little Red Riding Hood was even in shouting distance, and while the sun was high in the sky.

(German accent) "Knock knock!" said The Wolf, in a not very good imitation of Little Red Riding Hood's voice. (mother's voice) "Who's there?" asked Little Red Riding Hood's mother. (LRRH voice with German accent) It's Little Red Riding Hood", said the wolf. (mother's voice) "You don't sound a bit like my daughter," said Little Red Riding Hood's mother. (LRRH voice with German accent) "Ach yeah, I'm hoarse und out of breath, for I have been running away from the Wolf who lives in the forest. Please let me in, because I can see him coming for me. Oh no!" said the Wolf. (mother's voice) "You better come inside," said Little Red Riding Hood's mother, and she opened the door. And the wolf quickly cut her throat, and poured her blood into a bottle.

He ate most of her, but saved some of the juiciest cuts. These he sliced onto a platter, for he was very good with a knife, even for a wolf. Then the wolf put on the mother's pyjamas, and got into bed.

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in tomorrow evening, and I'll tell you the rest of the story of Little Red Riding Hood. It's a lovely story, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the rest of it. For now, this is Jack Worthing, saying, "Good night all, and see you tomorrow."

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Pt. 2[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to be getting ready to go to bed. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. Well, gather round, citizens, gather round, and I'll tell you a bedtime story.

After a while, the wolf heard Little Red Riding Hood knocking on the door. (German accent) "Who is it" sang out the Wolf. (LRRH) "It's Little Red Riding Hood," said Little Red Riding Hood. (German accent) "Kommen sie in hier!" sang out the wolf. "I mean, come in!"
(LRRH) "Mother, I have come to bring you a pie and some milk," said Little Red Riding Hood. (German accent) "Ja, ja, good! Put zem in the cupboard. I vill eat und drink them later," said The Wolf. And Little Red Riding Hood did as she was told.
(LRRH) "You sound different," said Little Red Riding Hood. (German accent) "I'm not myself today," said the Wolf. "You know how it is. Vy don't you have some wine?" said The Wolf. "There is a bottle on the table." So Little Red Riding Hood drank her mother's blood.

(cat voice) And the cat said, "Meow! You're drinking your mother's blood." But The Wolf said, (German accent) "Do cats ever tell the truth? Throw a shoe at the cat, and he won't bother you any more." So Little Red Riding Hood threw her left shoe at the cat, and he never bothered her again.
(LRRH) "That makes me hungry," said Little Red Riding Hood. (German voice) "I cut you some ham," said the Wolf. "Why don't you make yourself eine ham sandwich?" So Little Red Riding Hood made a ham sandwich out of her mother's ham, and she ate it right up. "This delicious," she said.

(mouse voice) "Squeak," said a mouse. "You're eating your mother's flesh!" (German voice) "Oh ze Mice, they're always lying," said the Wolf. "Anyway, you can't be picky about your food these days. Throw your other shoe at the mouse, and he'll never bother you again. So Little Red Riding Hood threw her right shoe at the mouse, and killed it, and it never bothered her again.

(LRRH) "What should I do now, Mother?" asked Little Red Riding Hood. (German accent) "Take off your clothes und get in ze bed mit me," said the Wolf. (LRRH) "What should I do with my apron?" asked Little Red Riding Hood. "Throw it in the fire. You won't need it any more." So Little Red Riding Hood threw her apron in the fire. (LRRH) "What shall I do with my dress?" she asked the Wolf.(German accent) "Throw it it in the fire. You won't need it any more," said the Wolf. So Little Red Riding Hood threw her dress in the fire. (LRRH) "What shall I do with my petticoat?" asked Little Red Riding Hood. "Throw it in the fire. You won't need it any more." So Little Red Riding Hood threw her petticoat in the fire.

"That is good enough," said the Wolf. "Cuddle here, next to me." So Little Red Riding Hood got under the blankets with the Wolf. (LRRH) "Oh, mother," said Little Red Riding Hood. "What big eyes you have." (German accent) "The better for seeing you in the dark," said the Wolf. (LRRH) "Oh, mother," said Little Red Riding Hood. "What a long nose you have." (German accent) "The better for smelling you," said the Wolf. "And don't you smell delicious, my sweet." (LRRH) "Oh, mother," said Little Red Riding Hood. "What long teeth you have." (German accent) "The better for eating you, my dear," said the Wolf. And he ate her right up.

And then he ran off into the forest, and was never seen again. Little girl, this seems to say: Never stop upon your way. Never trust a stranger friend; no one knows how it will end. As you're pretty, so be wise. Wolves may lurk in every guise. Handsome they may be, and kind, Sweet or charming, never mind.

Now, as then, 'tis simple truth: Sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth! And that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf. What a wonderful story. I hope you enjoyed hearing it as much as I enjoyed reading it. Do you want to know what the real moral is? The real moral of the story is: don't go out at night, or the Wolf will kill you! And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again tomorrow for another bedtime story. Good night all! See you tomorrow.

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Pied Piper[]

Pt. 1[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to be getting ready to go to bed. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. Well, sit down next to the fire, if you've got one, and wrap a blanket around yourselves, and I'll tell you something that happened. Tonight's story is called "The Pied Piper." And some people say it actually took place. And some people say it actually took place in our very own Hamlyn. But who knows? The past is deep and dark and filled with mists and strange things that move in the night; it's best not to go into it. Strange things happen in fairy tales, but even stranger and nastier things happen in the past. (cheery) Thank goodness we're not living then, and our days are bright and filled with Joy! (back to the story)

Once upon a time, there was a town called Hamelin. It wasn't the name of the town; that's just what it was called. It was a happy town, full of rich merchants and hard working smiths, and beautiful girls and jovial lads. But awful things can happen to good people. And little did the people of Hamelin know, but dark times were coming. There was a hard winter, when wolves came down from the hills and attacked the sheep. And the wolves brought crows, which would wait for the sight of rotting meat and then descend in swarms. And some said, though no one ever saw it, that the crows did not always wait for death. And some said it was not only wolves who were murdering animals out in the fields. The crows knew, but they only said "caw." But if the winter was hard, the summer was worse. For the summer brought rats.

They came onto the beaches from a ship that had sailed from France. At first there were just a few, but soon there were hundreds of rats. Then thousands of them. They swarmed into the town, and they said to themselves, in their Rat Speech, (German accent) "here is a rich town. Let us eat everything we can. (regular accent) So they ate the grain. They chewed their way into cupboards to eat the cheese. They even ate chickens when they could corner them. Nothing was safe. The villagers were at their wit's end. For you can kill one rat. You can set traps for a dozen rats. But who can kill a thousand rats? And so long as there are two rats, in weeks there will be dozens, and in weeks after that, there will be thousands again.

The villagers were in despair. But one day, a tall man came to town. He was a piper; he played a pipe. So they called him the pied piper, for he wore a coat of many colors. He was not very good at playing the pipes. But when the villagers told him to stop playing, he told them, (Winston Churchill) "Although I am not very good at playing to entertain people, I know what to play to rats." (regular accent) Who would play music for rats, you ask? The piper never explained. But he offered the town to pipe their rats away. He said, (Churchill) "It will cost you a great deal of money. But I promise you when it is all over, there will be no more rats." (regular) He even promised that if he left a single rat, they need pay him nothing.

Now the villagers of Hamelin were not poor. But they liked their money. Still, they thought that they would never have to pay the piper. After all, who could possibly rid the town of every last rat? So they agreed to the piper's terms.

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in tomorrow evening, and I'll tell you the rest of the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Will the town get rid of their rats? And how will they pay the piper? It's a lovely story, and I'm sure you'll enjoy how it ends. For now, this is Jack Worthing, saying, "Good night all, and see you tomorrow."

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Pt. 2[]

Well, it's getting late, isn't it? And it's time for all good citizens to be getting ready to go to bed. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story? Of course you would. I haven't finished the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, have I? Well, gather round the telly, citizens, gather round, and I'll tell you how it ends. We last left the town of Hamelin filled with rats. Horrible rats. But a piper in a motley coat has promised to get rid of every last rat by playing music to them. But he expects a lot of money and they'd agreed to pay for it. What will happen?

The next day, the piper came into town. And this time he had a different pipe with him. It was a tiny pipe, made of horn, and no one could even hear the music that it played. But soon, out of every barn and every field, out of every kitchen and every storehouse, all the rats of the town swarmed towards the pied piper. They came out of the church. They came out of the town hall. They came up out of the well. They came out of cupboards and they came out of haystacks. Soon, the entire village square was covered in rats, until you could not see a bare patch of dirt.

And then, the piper began to walk. He walked away from the village. He walked into the dark forest, in a direction that no one thought had a path. No one knew exactly where he went, for no one wanted to go anywhere near the enormous swarm of rats. Well, the villagers celebrated. They took their cheese out of their strongboxes and they took their bread out of their stone ovens. Everything they had been afraid of the rats eating, they took out.
But as the villagers were settling down to drinking, the Pied Piper returned. And he told the people, (Churchill) "And now, it is time to pay the piper." (regular) Well, the villagers they were wicked people. They asked the Piper if had killed all the rats. He promised that they would never see the rats again. At this, the villagers were delighted.

"Why should we pay the piper?" they asked each other. "The rats are gone." They told him to be off. And when he demanded his money, they beat him until he was bleeding, and they threatened to throw him in the well until he drowned. The Piper left, and they thought they would never see him again. But the next morning, the Piper was back. This time he had a very large, long pipe made out of long, long bone. You could still see the bruises on his face as he walked into the village square. But he did not seem afraid. He did not seem like a man who could ever be afraid.

The villagers gathered to warn him off. Hadn't he had enough punishment? Be off with him! But then he began to play his long, bone pipe. The sounds were so low that no one could hear him. But they were all struck dumb. And they found that they could not move to strike the Piper. Nor could they leave. And out of every house, came every villager who was not already in the town square. Out of the church, and out of the town hall; and out of the pub, and out of the baker's, and out of the cheese shop. And even the lame smith limped from his forge to the town square.

And the Piper began to walk. He walked away from the village. He walked into the dark forest, in a direction that no one thought had a path. And the villagers all followed him. Only the lame smith couldn't keep up, although he tried his best. And it's a good thing, too, for otherwise we would never know what happened. For the villagers disappeared into the dark woods. The smith lost all track of them. Among the trees, he could not tell what direction the piping was, and soon, he couldn't hear it at all, for the songs of the birds and the whisper of the trees.

He lay down and he wept for a day and a night, for the music had so moved him, that he wished he had been fast enough to follow it. The smith came out of the forest. He came to an inn, and there he told the story of the villagers of Hamelin. And he waited a year and a day for them to come back. And on the 366th day, he hanged himself.

The town of Hamelin rotted in the rain, until nothing was left of it but misshapen mounds that strangers thought must be from ancient times. The villagers were never seen again. Nor was the Piper. Though perhaps he was; for there are villages in old books that are not there now. Who knows if they, too, vanished into the woods to the piper's tune? Who knows if this is a true story, or just a fairy tale? But somehow, you know that it must be true. Because who could invent such a horror?

And that's the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. What a wonderful story. I hope you enjoyed hearing it as much as I enjoyed telling it. And remember: stay home at night, or terrible things may happen in the dark! And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again tomorrow for another bedtime story. Good night all! See you tomorrow!

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Well Well Well Transcripts[]

Scurvy[]

And welcome to today's edition of "Well, Well, Well," the show where we talk about how to be your physical best!

Some of you have written in about feeling malaise and lethargy. Now, these are vague symptoms, and the first thing I can recommend to you is, if you're feeling a little bit down in the dumps -- pop another Joy! Everybody wakes up feeling a little bit down sometimes -- I call it "waking down" -- and you need to know that you never have to feel bad about feeling bad. In fact, you don't have to put up with it at all! Being in Wellington Wells means you never have to say "I'm sorry." Thanks to our modern English science, we have the perfect fix for the "blahs." Never be afraid to up your Joy. Only you know how much you need. Or, just ask a Doctor, and he'll fix you right up -- even if you forgot to ask him to! Hah hah!
But there are some things that Joy won't fix -- though it will certainly make you feel better about them. Let's say you feel perfectly happy, but you are just having a lot of trouble getting out of bed. What could it be?

Ask yourself a few questions. Do you feel pain in your bones? Are you having trouble catching your breath? Do you find that you bruise easily? Are your teeth a little loose in their sockets, and you're under 70 years old? Is your mouth often dry? Do you have "scorbutic tongue?" Other symptoms you might have are red or purple spots on the skin, especially in your legs, that look like this: Do you find your muscles are sore even when you haven't been overusing them? You may have scurvy! And congratulations, this is one of our traditional English enemies, and like all traditional English enemies, we've beaten it before and we'll beat it again!

As you know, England has traditionally ruled the seas."Rule, Britannia! Britannia rules the waves. Britons never, ever will be slaves!" And that means that our ships have traditionally been out at sea for long streetches at a time. Sailors used to eat nothing but ship's biscuits and salt pork. Mmmmm, I could do with some salt pork right now. But if you eat nothing but, you're going to get sick.You see, your body needs vitamin C. But biscuits and salt pork don't have vitamin C! So sailors on long English voyages would get sick. And they didn't have Joy to make them feel all right about it, hah hah! Well, a lot of Englishmen put their scientific brains to the challenge, and it was discovered that fresh vegetables would cure the problem right away. But how do you get fresh veg on board a boat that's not going to dock for months?
Captain James Cook discovered that if he took limes on board, it could cure the sailors. But how do you get sailors to drink lime juice? You put it in their rum! They're not going to give up their rum, are they? Even if it tastes a bit limey? And once they were drinking their daily rum with lime juice, they got to liking it, and that was called "grog." And that's why we Brits are called "Limeys." Because we learned to put limes in our grog.

Citrus fruits are just packed with vitamin C. So, why are you getting scurvy, when you're not on a boat? I'm afraid some of you have been a bit naughty. You're eating bread and meat, but you're not having your tradition English two veg. Some of you aren't even eating your potatoes! Imagine that. Bread does not contain vitamin C. And if you're eating millet bread or moss cakes, while they taste perfectly acceptable, they are not good sources of the "C." And, I'm sad to say, though I've developed quite a taste for it, Victory Meat does not contain any vitamin C. Canned and preserved meats are generally very poor sources of vitamin C.

Now, if you were on Captain Cook's ship, discovering Australia and New Zealand and Hawaii, you'd just have a bit of grog and you'd be right as English rain. But, you probably haven't seen a lime or an orange or a lemon in a few years, and neither have I. But not to worry! Most fresh meat contains vitamin C, too. Lucky rats, they make their own vitamin C! So if you can get some fresh meat at the butcher, you're all set. If you can't get fresh meat, then most fresh veg contain lots of vitamin C. Now, you're going to have to restrain your cooking instincts a bit, because if you boil veg until they're nice and gummy, you'll boil out the C! So make sure you eat some of your veg fresh. Can't get fresh veg?
Remember, lots of weeds have vitamin C. Scurvy grass is famous for stopping scurvy in its tracks. Sorrel has 48 milligrams of vitamin C for every hundred grams you eat. Chicory has 24. Clover and dandelions are smashing sources of vitamin C, and they're all around us. In fact, I think it's safe to say that just about anything that's green and grows in the ground contains some vitamin C. So in a pinch, just go around to the neighbors and ask if they'd mind terribly if you eat their tulips. Ha hah! I'm sure they'll be reasonable. And remember, no matter what, make sure you're taking enough Joy. There's no excuse any more for feeling bad. You don't have to!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again next time when we'll talk about malaria. It's not nearly as bad as it sounds! Most people survive it! This is "Dr. Jack Worthing" saying, my prescription for you is stay well, well, well!

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Cholera[]

And welcome to today's edition of "Well, Well, Well," the show where we talk about how to be your physical best! Now, we all know what to do about the "blahs," don't we? If you're feeling a little bit blue, there's an easy fix. Pop another Joy! You can't overdose on happiness. Being in Wellington Wells means never having to feel sorry for yourself.

But there are some ailments of the body, and though you might feel perfectly happy, you might be having trouble keeping your food down. And you might have trouble keeping your food in. There's a surprisingly nasty little disease called cholera. Its main symptoms are vomiting and diarrhea. You wind up doing so much of both that in the end, you have nothing to throw up except clear liquid, and nothing to come out the other end except a sort of "rice water." I hope that's not what you're seeing in the pot! But if you are, then someone in your house may have cholera.
Now, cholera is a bit dangerous, but it has very simple treatment. In the past we used to take all sorts of pills for it. But it turns out that the most important thing is to drink lots and lots of water. You can lose ten to twenty quarts of fluid a day from cholera. In fact, people with cholera can wind up with wrinkled hands, just like they spent too long in the tub!

The cure for that is easy: drink like a fish! Don't be afraid to drink ten to twenty quarts of water! Ideally, of course, you'll mix a half teaspoon of salt, six teaspoons of sugar and a little bit of mashed banana in each quart of water. But if you don't have sugar or banana, and who does, the salt's important, too. And here's where you may need a bit of help. If you're drinking that much water, you don't need to take any additional Joy pills. And you may find yourself forgetting a thing or two.
If there are other people in your household, please make sure that they know not to let you take any more Joy pills for a while, and to make sure you keep drinking lots of water. Now, how do you ensure that you don't get cholera. Well, be sure to only drink pure water. Now, there is absolutely no truth to any rumor that the water of Wellington Wells is contaminated by bacteria. However, you can never be too careful! So if you can, if anyone on your street is having a lot of tummy trouble, boil all water. Especially if it has been exceptionally rainy -- not your ordinary, wonderful English rain but severe thunderstorms.

If your gas isn't working, just filtering your water through a cloth is quite helpful in reducing the bacteria in the water. Or just go down to the pub -- the beer is definitely safe to drink! And, if you are caring for someone with a lot of tummy trouble, be sure to wash your hands lots, and if you can get any bleach, be sure to bleach the bedsheets. And if you can't, hanging them out on a sunny day until they're quite warm and dry will work wonders. Nothing disinfects like sunlight! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask a Doctor. You know the Doctors! They're always looking out for you!

And remember, no matter what you do, make sure you're taking enough Joy. There's no excuse any more for feeling bad. You don't have to! Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again next time when we'll hear the good news about leprosy: it's very slow, and it's not at all true that your limbs just fall off! So don't worry if you're losing sensation in your extremities -- you'll probably die of something else first! Hah hah hah! This is "Dr." Jack Worthing, stay well, well, well! Goodbye!

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Tuberculosis[]

And welcome to today's edition of "Well, Well, Well," the show where we talk about how to be your physical best! Now, we all know how to be our mental best, don't we? If you're feeling a bit listless and down, there's a simple and easy answer. Pop a Joy! You can't be too happy, now can you? Being a citizen of Wellington Wells means never having to feel sorry for yourself.

But this is the show where we talk about being your physical best. Because if you're feeling sick, it's nice to be happy, but you still don't want to drop dead, even if you're smiling all the way. Do you? Well, it's not a bad way to go, I suppose. But let's talk about coughing. England is a drafty, wet country, and we all get colds from time to time. When you think about it, germs love the wet, and they stay fresh in the cold. So if you're coughing from time to time, there's nothing to do about it and nothing to worry about.

Now, some people get very worried if they're coughing up blood. And indeed, that might be a sign of some nasty things like cancer, or a pulmonary embolism, that we have no way to treat any more. Of course it could just be a sign of bronchitis. If you've had a nasty dry cough for a while, and you're just coughing and coughing and coughing and wheezing, you probably do have bronchitis. So see if you can get your hands on some old cough drops, or if you haven't any left, drink plenty of tea. Rest as much as you can, and try not to cough, and it will eventually go away. But coughing up blood is, like it or not, also a traditional sign of tuberculosis.

Tuberculosis is a nasty infectious disease that we had just about eliminated from England before the War. Guess who brought it back to us? I won't tell you, but they weren't mermen, and they weren't called Herman, and they didn't come to preach a sermon! Well, some of them were called: Hermann! Hah hah! You know who I'm talking about! How do you know if it's tuberculosis? Another symptom is night sweats. If your sheets are soaking wet in the morning, you've had night sweats. We know you're not having night sweats from worrying, are you? Not if you're taking your Joy.
Fever is another symptom. By itself it could just be a bad cold. But with night sweats and coughing up blood, you might start to wonder. Of course, the most famous sign of tuberculosis is losing weight. Victims of tuberculosis waste away. That's why it used to be called "consumption." Now, if you're not getting enough to eat, of course you're losing weight, so don't worry. But if you are lucky enough to be getting enough to eat, and you're still losing a lot of weight, and you're coughing up blood, you may very well have tuberculosis!

What can you do if you have tuberculosis? Well, the most important thing you can do is make sure no one else gets it. Don't cough on anyone! Don't spit in the street. Wash your hands often, with soap. Get yourself to a Doctor as soon as you can. They'll be sure to get you to a place where you can be taken care of properly, and you won't infect anyone else. What if you suspect someone close to you has tuberculosis! Be sure to tell the nearest Doctor. They'll know how to be sure if your husband or wife or friend has it, and what to do about it. Don't keep it a secret, or you might catch it too!

Be very careful with any handkerchiefs or clothes or sheets that someone might have coughed blood on. They should be washed thoroughly with soap, and bleach if you can get it. And then they should be hung out to dry at least until a warm, sunny day dries them out. Nothing disinfects like sunlight! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask a Doctor. You know the Doctors! They're always looking out for you! And remember, being your own Doctor. No matter what you do, make sure you're taking enough Joy. There's no excuse any more for feeling bad. You don't have to!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again next time when we'll see if there's any truth to the rumors about leprosy. I'll tell you a secret: they're all false! This is "Dr." Jack Worthing, and this is my prescription: get plenty of sleep and exercise, and you'll be well, well, well! Goodbye!

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Plague Doesn't Exist[]

Welcome to today's edition of "Well, Well, Well'?, the show where we talk about how to be your physical best!

Now some of you dear listeners have been writing in about some sort of plague that's supposed to be going around Wellington Wells. First of all, don't be ridiculous. If there were plague, wouldn't you expect to notice dead bodies on the street, strewn here and there? But you don't notice them, do you? But I want to address some of the wilder claims people have been writing to me about.

For example, Constable Bill Blake, of Trim Street, St. George's Holm, he writes that some of the wastrels have become quite incoherent and belligerent. And he chalks it up to plague. Well, you don't have to blame it on plague, do you! I mean, I'd be belligerent if I were off my Joy! Who knows, I might go around murdering people in the middle of the night, and leave a trail of corpses missing their kidneys!
But I do take my Joy, don't I! If those poor wastrels would just go back on their Joy, you wouldn't hear another thing about plague.

But that's not the half of it. Mrs. E. H. Undershaft, of The Tyning, Maidenholm, claims to have heard plague afflicted wastrels speaking in Old English. What an imagination you have, Mrs. Undershaft! I remember when you used to read us Beowulf and did all the voices. Mrs. Undershaft, they're probably speaking English, and you've just gone slightly deaf! So there's nothing to worry about!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again next week when we talk about scurvy. If your teeth are falling out, not to worry, you're in the fine British sea faring tradition! This is "Dr."? Jack Worthing, and remember to stay well, well, well!

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That Tastes Amazing! What is it? Transcripts[]

Bread Extenders[]

Oh, Hello, and welcome to today's edition of "That Tastes Amazing, What is it?" It's the show where we help you expand your nutritional horizons. You can eat a lot more things than you ever dreamt of! And I'm here to show you what.

Today we're going to talk about the wonderful world of flour extenders and bread substitutes. Of course, a lot of you are already using flour substitutes. Bread doesn't have to be made of wheat flour. Ground barley, for example, is scrumptious. And why wouldn't it be? Barley is the key ingredient in beer! Making beer is like making tea. You pour hot water over partly sprouted barley grains. But after all this beer tea it's called wort after it has been poured off to ferment into beer -- there are bags and bags full of used barley. Can you believe that people used to feed the spent mash to cows? What a waste! Sure, it's not as yummy as it used to be, but there are still a few calories left! All you need to do is to grind the used barley into flour, in the kind of handmill you used to use for coffee beans.

If you have already sold your handmill, barley can be pounded into flour in your ordinary mortar-- Of course, that will require a little more elbow grease. But you'll really build up those muscles! Now, once you've got your barley flour, just jollywell mix it in with some actual wheat flour, if you can get it. Flour provides the sticky gluten that holds the bread together. So the more flour you can mix in, the better. You ideally want to use no more than one cup of barley to one cup of flour. However, if you really like the taste of barley, you can always mix in two cups to one cup of flour. It will have a more crumbly, more cakelike consistency. But I love a crumble cake, don't you?

You can always eat it in a bowl with a spoon. After all, it's going to look the same when it comes out the other end, ha ha! So much for used barley. Now, if you can still get your hands on a potato, potato flour is another excellent extender for your flour supplies. Very important! You must slice your potatoes as thin as possible, as if you were making crisps. In fact, if you've got oil to fry them in, you can just skip making flour and go right to making chips! Machine oil will do just as well as fat or grease!
But if bread is what you're about, then dry your potato slices until you can break them with your hand. If your oven works, you can dry them in the oven, but a fireplace is just as good. Just make sure you dry them and don't actually cook them. The key is that you don't want a lot of water in your potato flour. Just put them a little bit away from the fire. I'm not going to actually slice this potato because the drying process takes several hours, and we haven't got all day, ha ha! I've got plans for you later, Mr. Potato! You've got a date with a pot full of boiling oil. Ha ha!

Now, some people seem to think that sawdust is a good flour extender. They are certainly using their English imaginations, aren't they? We've always been good with coming up with clever solutions to just about any problem. It's certainly easy to get sawdust. Just saw some wood! And it's not wrong that sawdust will fill you up.
It's very slow to digest, which makes for a full belly all day long. Make sure it's powdery and not too rough, or it will irritate your stomach. But do bear in mind that sawdust has surprisingly little nutritional value. Man cannot live on sawdust alone! If you're looking for a better use of sawdust, it's handy to use as a mulch in your garden. It really helps aerate your soil. If you have a typical Hamlyn clay under your house, a bit of sawdust is just the thing to mix in to lighten up that soil.

The same goes for wheat chaff. Fills the belly, but after a while you will need to eat something nutritious. Best to dig it into your Victory Garden, where it will do your vegetables a world of good. But this isn't my gardening show, is it? So let's get back to flour extenders.
Remember, if you're harvesting wild seeds, they won't contain any Joy. And neither will potatoes, unless you've watered them yourself out of the tap. And especially sawdust and chaff won't contain any Joy at all. So remember to adjust your dose accordingly. And bear in mind: if sawdust or chaff is all you have, just up your dose of Joy a little. They'll fill your tummy, and you won't be at all upset that you're a little bit hungry. You might even forget that you haven't eaten! Just get back to real food as soon as you can, and you'll be right as rain!

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. This is Uncle Jack, wishing you an amazing breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Tune in next time, when we explore what to do with meat that's gone a bit "off"! See you soon!

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Edible Weeds[]

Oh, Hello, and welcome to today's edition of "That Tastes Amazing, What is it?" It's the show where we help you expand your nutritional horizons. You can eat a lot more things than you ever dreamt of! And I'm here to show you what.

Today we're going to talk about the wonderful world of edible weeds! You might think the orache ["or-atch"] plant is just a roadside weed. But our friend Atriplex patula bears thousands of seeds which you can gather in the autumn, and they'll keep all year long, if you haven't already snaffled them up. Yummy! Grind them as you would any other kind of cornmeal, and blend them into your flour supply. You can also use them to thicken your soup. And don't waste the rest of the plant! You can eat the young leaves in salads, and you can cook up the old leaves like spinach. Goosefoot salad and orache bread.
What a filling meal, and it's all free!

This is a nettle. Now who wants to eat a nettle, really? Well, gorillas, for one. They love nettles. They eat thistles and nettles every chance they get. But I don't suppose you're a gorilla. If you are, you're hiding it very well! And bravo for you! Of course, artichokes are basically monstrously large thistles. But you already know about artichokes. This isn't an artichoke. It's not even a thistle. It's a nettle.
Urtica dioica is a tall plant with a thick root we call a rhizome. And the whole plant is just packed with vitamins. In fact it's quite medicinal. You can use it to treat sore muscles, eczema, arthritis, gout and anemia. Thought I doubt any of you have the gout, ha ha! That's one thing our present thrifty lifestyle has spared us!

Now be careful, because this is called the stinging nettle for a reason. It's got lots of sharp, stinging, tiny hairs. And each of these hairs is hollow and contains a drop of formic acid. That's what ants bite you with. When the hair pierces your skin, it injects the acid. You'll have an annoying burning sensation that can last for minutes or even days. And you won't have got it from anything fun! Hah hah! So you're going to want to wear gloves... and put it in a sturdy basket.
If you do get stung, try rubbing the sting with the root of the plant. It might make the itch go away, and in any event, it will make you feel clever. Then you've going to want to do one of two things once you've harvested it. You can cook it. Or you can dry it. You probably don't like eating your vegetables dry, unless you're a cow. In which case, you're hiding it very well! Bravo, you! And do let me know where you live, so I can eat you up. Ha ha!

What you want to do is cook it as you would cook spinach. In fact, it tastes a great deal like spinach. And did I mention it's packed with vitamins? ... Yes I did. Well, it is. You can also put it in soups and stews. The best leaves are the young, light green ones. But beggars can't be choosers! You can even make it into tea! But everyone knows you can eat weeds. Who hasn't eaten a yummy dandelion salad? Clover has a lovely lemony taste. You can eat it raw, but like all proper English food, it's much better if you boil it for at least half an hour.

Chicory is probably best know as tea, but you can eat the whole plant. The young leaves you can eat raw. The flowers make a great snack. And if you put the roots in a stew, it will add flavour, bulk, vitamins and calories. Sheep sorrel is a common weed in acid soil, like your common English bog. Don't eat too much of it -- it's full of oxalates. But the leaves have a nice, tart flavour. Just remember. All of of these plants are edible, especially if you boil them. And if you're not sure about a plant, just put it in a soup! A little of the wrong thing will almost never kill you, so long as you mix it in with lots of good stuff. Just eat a little at first, and then if it doesn't upset your stomach, eat a little more next time. Soon you'll be chowing down like a cow. But you're not a cow! Or I'm coming to your house for dinner.

And I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. This is Uncle Jack, wishing you an amazing breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Tune in next time, when we explore the fabulous world of edible insects! Did you know you can eat maggots? They're nutritious and scrumptious!

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Lichens[]

Oh, Hello, and welcome to today's edition of "That Tastes Amazing, What is it?" It's the show where we help you expand your nutritional horizons. You can eat a lot more things than you ever dreamt of!

Did you know you can eat lichens? I'm going to show you three kinds of lichens that you can fill up on! This is Parmotrema perlatum, your basic grey-green lichen. For some reason it's also called "black stone flower." In India, it's called "kalpasi." It grows on rocks and even stone houses all over Hamlyn. Imagine being able to scrape a salad off the side of your own house? Wouldn't that make your life so much easier and cleverer?
This is called "reindeer lichen," or Cladonia rangiferina. As you might have guessed, it's a very important food for reindeer. However, we don't have any reindeer here in England, and we haven't since the last Ice Age. So I think they won't mind if you eat it. The best way to eat it is by drying it, and then crushing it, and then soaking it in hot water until it becomes soft. You can fry it up if you've got any grease or lard, in which case, lucky you. It's a bit acid, so it may give you a small bit of a tummy ache, but that's miles better than starving, isn't it? And if you can manage to use it as a green in a Victory Meat sandwich, I think you'll be right as rain.

Our friend Cladonia also has all sorts of medicinal value, from keeping you regular to a mild antiseptic quality. You can even use it to flavor your aquavit, if you've got any left! Here's another lichen that people like to call moss. It's called Iceland moss. Guess where it's really common? Hamlyn, that's where, hah hah! Where did you think I was going to say? I've had some of this, and let me tell you, it's scrumptious. All right, perhaps it's not quite scrumptious, but it's quite filling if you're hungry. In fact, I quite lichen it! Heh heh!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. I hope you've enjoyed this edition of That Tastes Amazing -- What Is It! Tune in next time, when we talk about about rat meat. Everybody knows about the legs, but did you know you can turn the eyes, feet and tail into a perfectly good soup stock? Don't be afraid to experiment with new foods; it's part of the adventure of living in these times! This is Jack Worthing, telling you to keep that larder full, and save the canned goods for a rainy day! See you soon!

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Famous Britons Transcripts[]

Bloody Mary[]

And now it's time for Famous Britons, the show in which Jack Worthing -- that's me! -- interviews some of our most celebrated characters from history. Today we have in our studio Her Majesty Queen Mary, fondly known to history as Bloody Mary, for massacring Protestants and marrying a Spaniard!

Queen Mary: And don't confuse me with Mary Queen of Scots, either. I'd be very cross.
Uncle Jack: Ah, no, of course not, Your Majesty.
Queen Mary: She was an idiot!
Uncle Jack: And your sister Elizabeth had her beheaded, didn't she?
Queen Mary: Ohhh, that vixen Elizabeth. Do you know…I should have had her head cut off myself. But I didn't, because I'm a kind and merciful person. I hope you're Catholic?
Uncle Jack: I, ah ... actually I'm Anglican like most people around here.
Queen Mary: I think we'll have to have you beheaded.
Uncle Jack: After the interview, perhaps!
Queen Mary: You could convert.
Uncle Jack: That sounds much jollier.
Queen Mary: Oh, all right.

Uncle Jack: You seem disappointed.
Queen Mary: You've no idea how a good beheading can cheer one up.
Uncle Jack: Well, I don't know about that. Have you tried Joy?
Queen Mary: Joy? What's that?
Uncle Jack: It's this marvelous pill that makes you forget all the bad things and feel wonderful about everything else!
Queen Mary: Rubbish. What kind of a queen is happy all the time? Do you know, the few times I was happy, I barely beheaded anyone!
Uncle Jack: Surely there's more to life than just beheading people.
Queen Mary: Well, I tried beheading goats, but it was not quite the same, was it?
Uncle Jack: Well, what about fun, and family, and love?
Queen Mary: I'm married to King Philip of Spain.
Uncle Jack: You're in a bit of a jam, then, aren't you?

Queen Mary: Fortunately, I'm dead.
Uncle Jack: That does solve one's problems, doesn't it?
Queen Mary: Well, I really must be off. Someone's saying my name three times into the mirror!
Uncle Jack: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Her Majesty Queen Mary. If only she'd had Joy, she might not have beheaded quite so many people! Ask your doctor if Joy is right for you. Hah hah, of course it is! Next week on Famous Britons, I'll be interviewing Saint Thomas à Becket. I hear he's turbulent! I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in later, for more Uncle Jack!

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King George III[]

And now it's time for Famous Britons, the show in which Jack Worthing --that's me! -- interviews some of the most famous British citizens. Today we have in our studio His Majesty King George III! Your Majesty, how are you feeling today?

King George III: Mad, really.
Uncle Jack: Is it us who's mad, or is it the entire world?
King George III: Oh no, Jack, no no no, it's me, absolutely me. I'm quite mad. Known for it. Mad King George.
Uncle Jack: Still, you accomplished quite a bit in your reign, didn't you?

King George III: Yes, yes I have Jack and I'm glad we're talking more seriously about my reign. I grew smashing carrots. Really big. In fact I was known as Farmer George. But those damn rabbits, Jack.
Uncle Jack: You beat the French...
King George III: They weren't always orange, no no no no, they were mostly some red and white, sometimes, sometimes, beige.
Uncle Jack: The French...?
King George III: No Jack, the carrots! Haha. About the French. Yes, beat them twice.
Uncle Jack: And you, ah, gave the Americans their liberty.
King George III: Oh Jack, those pesky Americans. Any idiot can grow vegetables in the New World. Just chop down a tree and there's your farm. Try doing that on a plot that's been farmed two thousand years. Hah! Good luck you mad! But Jack those damn rabbits. Always eating my lettuce.

Uncle Jack: You seem a little upset.
King George III: Well, I am mad, I'm absolutely Mad. Mad King George. Barking.
Uncle Jack: Have you tried Joy?
King George III: Joy? What's that?
Uncle Jack: Well, it's this marvelous pill that makes you forget everything and you think of all the wonderful things in life!
King George III: Well, wish I'd had that! Might not have gone quite so mad!

Uncle Jack: Well there you have it, folks. His Majesty King George III. If only he'd had Joy, he might not have gone mad at all! Ask your doctor if Joy is right for you. Hah hah, of course it is right for you! Next week on Famous Britons, I'll be interviewing King Arthur. Do you know he's planning on coming back? Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in later, for more Uncle Jack!

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Funny Old Customs Transcripts[]

Piñata[]

Welcome to Strange Foreign Customs, the show where Jack Worthing -- that's me! – tells you all about the bizarre and ridiculous things people do in other countries.

Let's start with Thorrablot! It's an Icelandic festival where you eat disgusting food! Yes! Pressed, pickled ram testicles. Seal flippers. Whale blubber. And my favourite, fermented shark. You must be wondering: how do you, how do you get it very bad? Well, you see, you let it rot under the sand for a few months, until it's not poisonous anymore, mostly, and then it smells like ammonia. Then you hang it up to dry until it's chewy.
I don't care how starving I am, I'm not going to eat rotten shark, thank you very much!

Of course everyone knows Santa brings presents, but what happens to the men and women who've been naughty? Coal in their socks, right? Actually I'd love some coal on a cold night, hah hah! But in Czechoslovakia, they get a visit from the terrifying Krampus! He carts off evil people to be eaten!
Do I have your attention now? Hah hah hah hah Now, I know you've all been good this year. Well and if you haven't, I don't want to hear about it! Wouldn't it be fun to dress up as the Krampus and scare wicked people?

When I was traveling in Mexico back in, oh, I can't remember when but, I found the most enchanting strange custom. It's called a piñata. Curious? It's a large, colorful papier mâché sculpture filled with sweets. You're supposed to smash it until all the sweets come out! It turns out the custom isn't Mexican at all! It's Spanish! And originally the sculptures were made out of clay pots! Wouldn't that be fun, smashing a clay pot full of treats! It's sort of the reverse of what you do with Downers – smash them until you can get the Joy into them, hah hah hah hah hah!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again soon, for more absurd things foreigners do!

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Maypole[]

And now it's time for Funny English Customs, the show in which Jack Worthing -- that's me! -- illuminates our jolly old island with ancient customs.

Now, since the first of May is coming up, let's talk about the ancient tradition of the May Pole! Some people claim the May Pole was a naughty Roman ritual about, well, we're all grownups here, aren't we? Hah hah, but we Brits have been dancing around the May Pole for as long as we've been burning virgins in giant Wicker Men, haven't we? Hah hah hah hah hah! We don't really do that any more. Do we?
Apparently, though, the custom of men and women wrapping ribbons around the May Pole by dancing only dates to Victorian times. Makes sense, doesn't it? Before that, really long ribbons were much too expensive! A lot of ancient customs are really Victorian.
For example, the idea that each Scottish clan has its own tartan pattern. You know who made that up? The novelist Walter Scott! Hah Hah Hah, Wally.

Of course, you're liable to work up quite a burning thirst dancing around a May Pole, aren't you? What's the perfect drink to put out those fires? Why, Summerisle Ale, of course! And the chief brewer, “Lord Summerisle”, as they call him, has brewed up a very special medieval ale to sell only in the first week of May. It's called a “gruit”.
Instead of hops, it's seasoned with marsh rosemary, bog myrtle and yarrow. Take it from me, Jack Worthing, it's got a delightful twang of peach. And you can't get peaches anymore, can you! May Day Gruit from Summerisle Ale's: quenches your burning thirst!

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Tune in again soon, for more Uncle Jack!

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Human Sacrifice[]

And now it's time for Funny Old Customs, the show in which Jack Worthing -- that's me! – illuminates our jolly island's ancient customs.

Today, we're going to talk about Human Sacrifice! Hah hah hah hah hah hah! Yes, many of our forebears enjoyed a human sacrifice or two, and I'm not just talking about watching a good hanging, like we did during the... nevermind, sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about!

Well, the most famous British human sacrificers were the ancient Celts. According to Julius Caesar, their druids liked to put criminals and prisoners of war into giant wicker men and then set them on fire! What a sight that must have been. And if you don't think we can trust the Romans, then how about the bog bodies! Yes, we've found beautifully preserved bodies in peat marshes, and some of them show evidence of having been strangled, drowned and stabbed to death. That's how you propitiate a god, eh? Makes you wonder if anybody's buried under Stonehenge? And if they are, who's under our own little henge, the Wedding Party stones? Maybe someone should check. Hahahahaha!

Of course all this is before we Anglo Saxons became an island race. Back then we were pagans, and worshipped dark gods. And the darkest and most important of the gods was Wotan, or as the Vikings called him, Odin. He was a war god – well, perhaps he still is a war god – and the Vikings would sacrifice ninety-nine men and women in a Great Blot, to make sure he stayed happy. That's a long way from Abraham and Isaac, isn't it? Hah hah hah hah hah.

Well, I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time. Maybe someday we'll talk about the ancient Aztecs of Mexico, who liked to cut a man's heart out while it was still beating. Fortunately, no one does that anymore. As far as I know! You never know what goes on in the Garden District, do you? At least, I hope you don't! Well, remember me in your prayers, whoever it is you're praying to. And tune in again soon, for more Uncle Jack!

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Curfew Broadcast Transcripts[]

  • And I'm afraid we HAVE come to the end of our time. I hope you're all in bed as the fog rolls in form the river. You don't want to be out in it, do you!
  • And it's time for all good citizens to be comfy and cozy and safe behind their doors. It's certainly not safe outside! Are you ready for another wonderful bedtime story?
  • And that's the end to another happy day in Wellington Wells. I hope you're safely home and in bed. It's scary out there at night! And fatal, hah hah hah! No, I'm sure you're in bed. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story.
  • Have we come to the end of our time? Of course we have, for today. The fog is rolling in, and you-know-who is roaming about, but you're safely behind windows and doors.
  • I hope you're all home and in bed now. It's very dangerous to be out in the fog. Foggy Jack will take it personally hah hah. No, I'm sure you'll all at home and ready for a bedtime story, aren't you.
  • Well, I hope you're indoors by now. The fog is rolling in and you know who's in it. No, I'm sure you're safely in bed, and ready for a bedtime story, aren't you?
  • Well, it's night, and the fog is rolling in from the river. You're all safely in bed, aren't you? Of course you are. Unless you're Foggy Jack that is, hah hah! Don't worry, I know you're not Foggy Jack.
  • Well, this is a special message for Foggy Jack. Is anyone still out on the streets who's not a Bobby? There isn't? Oh, good. Well, you know what to do if there is. And for the rest of you, safely in your beds, I've got a lovely bedtime story I'd like to tell you.
  • <Yawns> Well, I'm ready for bed, how about you? I hope you're safely under the covers. You really don't want to be out at night, do you?

Buff Conformist General[]

  • The player never gets to meet Uncle Jack in the game.
  • Behind Uncle Jack's desk is a bottle of Scotch and an Electric Truncheon.
  • During the episode, I Hear You - JOY, Uncle Jack says he likes scented envelopes.
  • The player can collect Uncle Jack's shows by simply looking at the TVs or Radios for a second, the player can then view them all in the 'extras' section in the main menu.
  • During Humor Hour (Downers), Uncle Jack sighs and mentions that he misses his dog before reaching for a Joy pill, possibly implying he owned a dog at some point.
    • It's repeatedly said throughout the game that they had to kill and eat their dogs in order to avoid starving to death.
  • It's very possible that during the last recording of Uncle Jack's show, he had just had a bad batch of Joy himself, which caused him to become intolerant to Joy completely.
  • Uncle Jack wrote three books, "Our Glorious Victory", "The Story of Our Victory", and "Great English Victories". Two of the books can be found in a couple houses and offices.
  • Jack became such an influential figure for Wellington Wells that Wellies and even Wastrels worship him and his shows. As such, the air raid sirens transmit his shows in the Garden District.
  • In the newspaper clipping, the section "It's all Greek (and Latin) to us!" says that Nigel Brasenose, the president of Wellington Wells Classics Society, has begun translating Uncle Jack's transcripts into Latin as a hobby.
  • At the end of his shows, Uncle Jack always ends it with the line, "I'm afraid we've come to the end of our time." Which refers to the time available for broadcasting. However, this line often reappears in the context of insanity, such as the case for Theodore Miner at the very start of Act I.
    • It is also the line that the infamous serial killer, Foggy Jack, says to his victims right before killing them.

Other[]

  • During We All Fall Down, some of the TVs appear to depict Uncle Jack in colour.
  • Ian Langhor, a film art director, was hired to help with filming Uncle Jack's shows.
  • Uncle Jack's real name, Jack Worthing, is a reference to the fictional character John 'Jack' Worthing from Oscar Wilde's play The Importance of Being Earnest.
  • In a trailer, he ratted out Arthur as a Downer, and the Wellies attack him on his command. This never happens in the game.
  • In an old recording of Uncle Jack's breakdown, Jack mentions that he had Margaret when he was young, and that both of his parents were already dead. How much of it remains true in the final game is unknown.
  • When asked by a YouTube user whether he could keep his facemask or not, Casey revealed that the mask was a silicon mask made out of plaster mold of his own face that was then glued to his skin, and was forcefully removed after every shooting of the Uncle Jack shows in the game, the pressure of which destroyed the mask. [1]
    • They had around six silicon masks during the recordings.
    • Casey also speculated the possibility of Compulsion Games keeping a spare mask in the event of them deciding to record more Uncle Jack shows.

Reference[]

Buff Preservasionist Concept Art[]

Posters[]

Other[]

In Game[]

Wakey Wakey![]

I Hear You![]

News Hour[]

Play With Jack![]

Humor Hour[]

Nighty Night[]

Well Well Well[]

That Tastes Amazing! What Is It?[]

Famous Britons[]

Funny Old Customs[]

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